


Drabbles of a North American Variety

by A_Field_of_Starlight



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-04
Updated: 2013-10-04
Packaged: 2020-06-26 18:06:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19773574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Field_of_Starlight/pseuds/A_Field_of_Starlight
Summary: Random drabbles involving - you guessed it - the North American brothers! Because why not? Most of them will probably be mostly humorous, with some fluffy. Because FLUFFLY FLUFFLE FLUFF! XDIntended as an archive. Original work foundhere.





	Drabbles of a North American Variety

Title: **Drabbles of a North American Variety**  
Category: Anime/Manga » Hetalia - Axis Powers  
Author: A Field of Starlight  
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T  
Genre: General  
Published: 10-04-13, Updated: 11-25-15  
Chapters: 28, Words: 25,278

* * *

**Chapter 1: Chapter 1**

* * *

Author's Note: This is a collection of really random North American brothers drabbles. They'll most likely be humorous, because there is really WAY to much you can do with Mattie and Al. XD

* * *

"ALFIE~!"

"Oof! Matt, get off!"

Canada smiled at his brother and gave him a bear hug. "NOOOO~!"

"Ah! Seriously, Mattie, get off, you're heavy!"

"... Are you saying I'm fat?"

"What? No, you're larger than me! Duh!"

"Oh, yeah... Whoops! I forgot about our land mass differences!"

Canada happily clambered off of America (seemingly forgetting that their landmasses had nothing to do with their weight), letting the southern twin breathe. Then he began swaying on his feet and humming a strange melody.

"Uh... Mattie, are you high?"

"Nope! I'm drunk~!" Canada exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air in euphoria. "And I challenge you to a hockey match!"

America paused for a moment. "... Dude, you're drunk."

"Yep!" Canada nodded enthusiastically. "Let's play, brother mine!"

"... Can I say no?"

"NOPE~!"

And with that, America was dragged toward his doom.

* * *

Chapter 1: In which Canada gets drunk and challenges America to a hockey match.

This is not gonna end well...

* * *

"Mattie... Please no..." America said, basically crying as his brother forced him into protective gear.

"You can't say no!" Canada pouted, jumping up and down.

"Mattie... You're scary enough when you're _not_ drunk and playing hockey! I really don't want to die!"

Canada frowned. "We can't die."

America facepalmed. "It was a figure of speech! Please, Mattie, can't you, I don't know, get the commie bastard to play with you?"

Canada's eyes immediately lit up, and America began to regret saying anything. "Great idea, Al! C'mon!"

Jumping up, Canada quickly dragged himself and a very, VERY reluctant America across the Gulf of Mexico to Cuba.

"THAT'S NOT THE COMMIE I MEANT!"

"Oh, I know~! But we can get both, can't we?"

America's expression at that particular instance of time is best described like so: QnQ

Heedless of his brother's expression, Canada knocked on Cuba's door.

"AMERICA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HE- wait... there's two of you?"

"Silly! I'm CANADA!" Canada responded, giggling.

"Canada... are you drunk?"

"YEP! AND WE'RE PLAYING HOCKEY! AND YOU'RE COMING WITH US!"

And so, the Cuban nation was quickly added to the dragging list.

* * *

Russia's eye twitched at the strange sight of a super bubbly Canada dragging a battered America and a crying Cuba behind him onto his doorstep.

"Da, comrade Matvey?"

"PLAY HOCKEY WITH ME~!"

"Uh..." Russia suddenly had a strong urge to go looking for Belarus. "My sister, Bela-"

"COME!" And with that, Russia was forcibly removed from his country and dragged across the Bering Strait back into the continent of North America.

"Matvey, I-" Russia's next words were cut off as Canada stuffed him into all the necessary gear and plonked a helmet on his head, all in the space of five seconds. (America and Cuba had already been subjected to such a treatment.)

Sticks were shoved into each of the three other nations' hands, and Canada's favorite hockey gear seemed to magically manifest itself on his body.

"Mattie... please don't make us do this!" America pleaded. Cuba and Russia were in complete agreement (for once).

"Sorry~! But you have to!"

And that was that.

* * *

By the end of the game, both America and Cuba were sporting bloody noses, and even Russia felt like he wouldn't be able to move the next day. Canada, however, seemed perfectly fine.

"Another round?" he asked eagerly.

"NO!" the other nations immediately shouted. They scrambled out the door and ran back to their respective houses to nurse they wounds.

But before he got out of sight, America yelled back.

"I'm getting you back for this, Canada!"

Canada giggled.

* * *

Author's Note: Mattie, Mattie... Don't take your brother's threats so lightly! XD

So... I hope you liked it? For some reason, I imagine Canada being a super happy drunk. No idea why... it's probably just me being Chinese and American at the same time. China and America aren't known for their calmness... Or well, China's brand of calmness is, uh, special. Because all the Asians are special.

Um, so, yeah. Because I have nothing else to say, I'll put a smiley.

:)

* * *

**Chapter 2: Chapter 2**

* * *

Author's Note: Here. Have some more crack. Because why not. XD

A note: I like to call any soccer not played in America 'European football'. Therefore, if you see 'European football', assume that they're playing the game commonly called soccer in the US, except in Europe. (Also assume that Canada and America never play together, 'cause I don't know how to deal with that situation, and that the African/South American countries don't count) (Oh, and Asian countries are REALLY bad at the sport, so they don't count either)

* * *

"MATTIE~!"

"WAAAAH! Alfred, what the maple are you doing?" Canada cried as he tried to shove his overenthusiastic twin brother off of him.

"Glomping you." America smiled happily.

"Alfred! You're defying geography! Now get off of me!"

America, however, seemed not to hear, and started rolling around.

"And I'm getting revenge~!"

Canada blinked. "... Revenge?"

"Yep! For last time!" America's eyes lit up. "I'm drunk this time! And I challenge you to a game of baseball!"

"... There's no way I'm getting out of this, is there."

"NOPE~!" Then America paused. "Unless, of course, you give me all the maple syrup in your Strategic Maple Syrup Reserve or whatever the thing's called."

Canada blanched. "Oh, maple..."

* * *

Chapter 2: In which America gets his revenge by purposely getting himself drunk and challenging Canada to a baseball game.

This, too, will not end well...

* * *

"Hurry up, Mattie!"

"Stop rushing me, Al!" Canada grumbled as he pulled on more protective gear (read: armor). "I need to do this right!"

"But Mattie...!"

"Stop whining!" Canada glared at his drunk, immature twin as he inwardly shuddered in fear. He pulled on the last piece - a reinforced shin guard that he normally wore when playing European football with England and France (those two were scary on the field... especially when pitted against each other) - and stood up.

"Right, you're good! Let's go~!" America dragged Canada out of the locker room and onto the field, where...

A whole bunch of other nations were waiting?

Canada blinked at the sight of Japan, Germany, Prussia, Hungary, Austria, Italy, Romano, Spain, France, England, China, Russia, Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania, and Poland, ready to play, though not looking too happy about it. Cuba was glaring from the sidelines.

"So, I claim Japan, Iggy, and Russia! Mattie, you can have France and Spain and the Italies."

"The Baltics are with me, da?" Russia confirmed, smiling creepily. Poland perked up at this and wordlessly (I know, amazing, right?) joined his friends.

"Uh... yeah. And I'll take China as well. You can have the Germanics and Hungary," America said with an air of finality, before Canada could even get a word in edgewise.

"Kay! Let's play ball!"

As America ran toward his position (pitcher, obviously. What else?) Canada trailed after him in a last minute attempt to reason with the southern nation.

"Al! Please, let's not do this! Especially not with this many people around! We can play catch at home, or something, just don't involve them!"

"But Mattie! I wanna play ball! Go back to your spot!"

"Al-"

But America didn't even listen to the rest of his brother's words, as he had already hoisted him over a shoulder and carried him toward home base.

Canada sighed in frustration. "Well, at least we're geographically correct this time..."

* * *

"Ow!"

"Ah! Sumimasen, Canada-kun, I didn't mean to hurt you!"

"No, it's OK, Japan," Canada said as he grimaced. The Asian nation was wrapping up the North American nation's wounds.

Japan tutted as he exposed another scrape, this time on Canada's back. How it got there is anyone's guess. "Does America-kun always play this hard?"

"No."

Japan let out a sigh of relief.

"He usually plays harder," Canada continued. "But the alcohol in his system must have been weakening him."

Japan just sat there, shocked. That was when England took the opportunity to drag a now sober America in by the ear, yelling at him about "horseplay" and "immaturity" and other things of that sort, while Cuba followed, hitting America on the head with a stick in a very Bulgaria-like manner.

Usually, Canada would feel some sympathy for his brother when England went into overbearing big brother lecturing mode.

Today, though? Canada just cheered England on.

* * *

Author's Note: So. America getting scolded by England is something I've always thought happened fairly often. Yep yep.

Um... Sumimasen means I'm sorry in Japanese. Yeah.

So... Next chapter should be some random fluff. Because fluffy things are nice between cracky things.

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 3: Chapter 3**

* * *

Author's Note: OK, so I know I said fluffy this chapter, but... I couldn't resist. This is kinda inspired by a conversation I had with my Canadian PM buddy, KTrevo. This is what she said, in response to my rant about (stupid) Congress (which is stupid, being stupid): "Pretty much all of us up here in the Great White North are laughing at you guys right now. I mean, seriously- they shut down NATURE as well? Honestly."

So, in honor of the end to the government shutdown, I'm going to write a chapter _about_ the government shutting down! Does that make sense? Nope~!

Enjoy!

* * *

"Mattie..."

"Alfred?" Canada turned around to see America walking slowly toward him. He frowned. "What's wrong?"

"Ma... ttie..." America swayed a bit, grabbing Canada's arm.

"Alfred? What are you doing?"

"Don't... feel... good..." He stumbled a bit.

"Al? Al, you're scaring me! Stop it!" Canada was beginning to feel a bit panicked.

"Mattie..." Suddenly, America collapsed onto his northern brother.

"ALFRED!"

* * *

Chapter 3: In which the American government shutdown has an interesting effect on the nation representative of America.

And Canada laughs at him for it.

* * *

"Soooo... you're telling me that your government managed to shut itself down... over some health insurance bill they passed three times already?"

"Uh-huh." America snuggled deeper under his covers at Canada's incredulous look.

"And so you collapsed on me."

"Yeah..."

"... Alfred, you need to get a better government."

America bristled a bit at this. "Hey! It's not my fault! The citizens elected them! I can't do anything about it!"

Canada sighed. "Fine, calm down. So, what exactly did they shut down?"

America frowned. "Uh... well, my boss told me they had to furlough-"

"Do you even know what that means, Al?" Canada said with a smirk, lifting a cup of coffee (with maple syrup in it!) to his mouth.

America pouted and threw a pillow at him. "As I was _saying_ , they had to furlough a whole bunch of 'nonessential' government employees, and they shut down all those museums and stuff, like the Smithsonian... Oh, they shut down nature too."

Canada sputtered, almost spitting out his coffee. "They did WHAT?"

"Shut down nature. You know, national parks and stuff."

"Your government shut down nature," Canada stated rather than asked.

"Uh... yeah, that's what I just said..."

"They shut down... nature. The United States government shut down _nature_... PFFT! HAHAHAHAHA!"

America frowned at his brother, who was currently rolling around on the ground in fits of uncontrolled laughter, and lobbed another pillow in his direction. "Stop it, Mattie! It's not that funny!"

"But they shut down NATURE, of all things!"

"OK, fine, they didn't shut down nature, they shut down the people's enjoyment of nature! Nature can't be shut down, I'm sorry I worded it wrong!"

Canada ignored him and went right on laughing.

"Plus, you're missing the point! The most important thing is that the MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEES ARE GOING ON STRIKE! HOW WILL I GET BURGERS?!"

Then America promptly had a panic attack and fainted.

Canada stopped laughing, got up, magically summoned a bucket of freezing Hudson Bay seawater, and poured it on his twin.

America jerked awake.

Canada started rolling on the ground laughing again.

America threw a pillow at Canada. Again.

Except it wasn't a pillow. It was America mochi.

"It's OKEY! I'm AMERICAN!" the little sticky-rice-flour-ball-dessert-thing-possibly-stuf fed-with-sweet-filling decided to exclaim.

"Eh... I'm CANADIAN! CANADIAN! I'M NOT AMERICAN, I'M CANADIAN!" Canada mochi randomly popped out of nowhere, waving miniature Canadian flags and freaking out about mistaken nationalities.

America mochi decided to grow legs and step on him.

Both North American brothers sweatdropped.

* * *

Author's Note: I don't even know what happened at the end there... Meh, whatever. The Hetalia mochi are awesome. There, good enough reason.

So... all of the random current events mentioned are real. Google it if you want to know more.

Next chapter will hopefully be the fluffy one. Unless I get sidetracked again by something stupid the government of America (or maybe even Canada, who knows?) does.

So... hope you liked it?

* * *

**Chapter 4: Chapter 4**

* * *

Author's Note: As nothing weird happened with either America's or Canada's government (well, nothing too out of the ordinary. Everything governments do is weird, in my opinion), here's your fluff!

This chapter is loosely based of the Youtube video "Hetalia Lullaby for a Stormy Night", so if you're interested, go watch it.

Chibi nations are so adorable... *sigh* And guest visits from France and England this chapter!

* * *

"Looks like a thunderstorm..." France commented as he glanced out the window, a cup of wine in his hand. Beside him, England just made an affirmative sound and turned the page of his novel.

"Good thing the boys are in bed,"

"Mmhmm."

"Angleterre, you're too stuffy!" France declared with a flourish, rising from his seat.

"Can it, frog," England responded without too much conviction. "You'll wake the colonies."

"Ohonhonhon~!" France laughed quietly as he sat down. "Angleterre, you DO care about Amérique et Canada! I was beginning to think you were heartless!"

England smacked France upside the head with his book. "I told you to shut up, you wanker!"

BOOM!

A sudden burst of lightning and thunder startled the two European nations. But before they could do anything, two tiny bodies barreled into their chests.

"ENGWAND! FWANCE!"

* * *

Chapter 4: In which colonial-era America and Canada get afraid during a thunderstorm and go to England and France for comfort.

And France somehow manages to piss England off while simultaneously comforting them.

* * *

"ME AND MATTIE ARE SCARED!" America whined as he snuggled deep into England's shirt, clutching the fabric tightly in his tiny fists.

"Mattie and I," England corrected automatically. He glanced over to where a wordless Canada had buried his face into France's shirt, Kumajirou hugged close. "Boys, aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

France sighed. "Now is not the time, Angleterre. There, there, Canada, Matthieu... do not be afraid. It is just a storm..."

"But..." Canada's bottom lip quivered as he looked up toward his mentor, enormous indigo eyes filled with tears. "But it's scary..."

America quickly nodded his assent, Nantucket bobbing up and down as he did.

England sighed, smoothing down his colony's errant hair. "There's nothing to be afraid of. Rain is what gives life to your land. It's what allows your people to live and grow and be happy."

"R-Really?" Canada mumbled, peaking at England.

"Really. I wouldn't lie to you, now would I?"

"B-But France says-"

"AH!" France quickly cut in. "I know just the thing to soothe your fears, mon cher." And with that, he fled the room.

England glared after him, then scooped Canada into his lap. "France will be France, Matthew. You needn't concern yourself over what-"

CRASH!

"EEP!" the North American colonies cried as another thunderclap echoed through the room. They huddled together, pressing themselves into England.

"Engwand! Make it stop!"

"Alfred, didn't you hear what I just said?" England asked gently. "This same rain that is scaring you is also nurturing the plants and animals and people that live on your land. Without it, nothing would grow. Would you want that?"

"N-No..."

"Then will you be a strong little colony for me? And you too, Matthew?"

Both nodded, and America snuggled closer to Canada, who didn't protest, just shifted his hold on Kumajirou so that he could lean his head on his southern twin's shoulder.

England smiled and smoothed down both their hair curls. "Good boys."

Moments later, France returned with a smile on his face. "I have found it! Here, Alfred, Matthieu, look at this."

Curious, both colonies scrambled away from England and climbed into France's lap.

"Is that... you?" Canada asked, pointing to one of the figures in the painting.

"And Engwand. That's Engwand, right?" America pointed to the other.

"Oui. This was us, when we were still young."

"When you were colonies?" America bounced up and down in excitement.

France smiled. "Non, Amérique. Angleterre and I were never colonies."

"How come?" Both of the North Americans had confused expressions on their faces.

"Our situation was different," England responded simply.

"But that is beside the point. When we were younger, your England would often come to me when he was scared. Much like you come to us now when you are scared."

"Really? Engwand got scared too?" America's eyes were wide with shock. It was completely inconceivable to him that his strong big brother could ever have been afraid of anything.

Canada didn't seem to believe it, either. "Non, France, you're lying!"

"Canada! You wound me! I would not lie! In fact, England would cuddle up to me just as you're doing right now!"

England gave an indignant splutter, but chose not to say anything as both colonies turned to face him, eyes alight with wonder.

" _Engwand_ used to be afraid of things..." America breathed. Canada's eyes merely widened to an inhumanly large size.

France smiled. "Oui, and he would sometimes come crying to me. But Big Brother France would always send his fears away! No one need worry about scary storms while I'm here!"

If France noticed England's glare, he chose to ignore it as both America and Canada leapt into his arms.

"Angleterre was so adorable back then... Just like the two of you!" France poked Canada in the nose, causing the northern twin to giggle and try to grab his brother's finger.

"All right, enough of that, boys, let's get you back to bed." England stood up and gathered the colonies into his arms.

"But Engwand! I'm- I mean, Mattie's still scared!"

"You and your brother will be fine, Alfred."

"But-!"

Canada place a hand on his twin's shoulder, and America lapsed into silence.

"Can we sleep with you and France, England?"

England came to a spluttering halt. "W-What did you say, Matthew?"

"Can we sleep with you and France?"

Behind them, France hid his amused smile behind a hand as England's face turned red at the strange request of his colony. "You... want us to sleep together? Canada, that's hardly proper-"

"But France used to cuddle with me all the time! And Al is still scared-"

"Am not!" America protested.

"Are too," Canada replied offhandedly. "Please, England?"

"Ah... Fine," he acquiesced. "But just this once. I'm not getting in the same bed as France again if I can help it."

"Yay!" both North American's exclaimed. The European island nation sighed, as his friend/enemy/rival nation laughed.

"Now, off to bed with you two," England said, putting the young colonies down. "France and I will be there after we wash up."

Without a word, America and Canada ran off, disappearing into the master bedroom.

"Ohonhonhon~"

England glared.

France merely smiled. "I shall go get ready for rest, then, Angleterre."

And with that he walked into the guest room, shutting the door firmly behind him.

"... Bloody frog..."

* * *

Author's Note: Eh... that didn't exactly turn out the way I planned... meh, whatever.

WHY DOES MY COMPUTER TELL ME "LEAPT" ISN'T A WORD?! IT IS TOO A WORD! Stupid computer...

Anyways, hope you liked the chibi North Americans! They're so adorable... *fangirl-y squeal*

* * *

**Chapter 5: Chapter 5**

* * *

Author's Note: So, this chapter is slightly AU. Meaning, I invented a holiday called "National Anthem Day", commonly referred to as Anthem Day. Who can guess what people do on that day? XD

Also, this is kinda based on one of the "Fly, Canada-san, Fly!" strips. The one where Canada has a nightmare about Montreal. Yep yep. It exists.

* * *

"Aw, c'mon, Mattie, it'll be fun!"

"No, Al, I don't have time to!"

"But Matt!"

"No, Al!"

"But-"

"I said NO!"

America pouted. "Fine. Then I'll just have to have fun some other way."

Suddenly, Canada had a strange sinking feeling in his stomach. What was his twin up to...?

* * *

Chapter 5: In which America blackmails Canada into being in Montreal on Anthem Day.

Teehee! :D

* * *

"Remind me, _why_ , exactly, are we doing this again?"

"Because you don't want me to tell Arthur about-"

"SSSSHHHHH!"

Panicked, Canada threw a hand over America's mouth, eyes darting around in fear, searching for their former caretaker.

America smirked, pushing his northern brother's hand away. "That's why."

Canada let out a sigh of frustration. "I hate you, Alfred F. Jones."

"Love ya too, brother dear!"

"AUGH!" With that, Canada shoved America to the side and stormed off, heedless to said nation's cackling laughter.

* * *

"Mattie! Wait up!"

America ran after his brother, hurrying to reach him before he did something drastic. Like conquer the world. Or go on a (rather epic, he had to admit, even though it usually left him shaking and huddled in a corner) three-hour long rant.

"Go away, Al!"

"But you don't know where we're going! Mattie!"

Canada whirled on him. "We're going to Montreal, and once we're there you'll LEAVE ME ALONE!"

"No, uh, actually..." America rubbed his neck sheepishly.

"What. Did. You. Do."

"I... ah... um... I... actuallykindofsignedyouuptosinginthechorus!" America blurted in a rush.

Canada's eye twitched. "You did what."

"Sorry!"

Canada threw his hands up, heaving a great big sigh of exasperation. "You know what, Alfred? YOU KNOW WHAT? I'm not even going to bother ranting at you!"

"I said sorry!"

Canada glared.

America whimpered.

* * *

"Name?"

"Matthew Williams."

"And who's he?" The man at the check-in table pointed to America.

"My brother," Canada said, glaring at said nation.

America shrank a bit.

"Is he part of this as well?"

"No-"

"Yes!" America butted in. Canada gaped at him.

"Alright, your name please."

"Alfred Jones."

"Matthew Williams and Alfred Jones... AH! Here you are. Go on in."

As soon as the man was out of sight and they were alone, Canada whirled on America again. America gulped.

"And when, exactly, were you going to inform me of your decision to perform with me?"

"I forgot!"

"Yeah, right," Canada scoffed. "Alfred, what are you thinking? It's ANTHEM DAY, not just some random holiday where we can sing random songs together! Do you even know how to sing my national anthem?"

America looked offended. "Dude, do you know how to sing mine?"

Canada shrugged. "Point taken. But still, you're the _United States of_ freaking _America_! It's not natural for you to-"

"And you're freaking _Canada_ ," America cut in, "but that didn't stop you from coming over to my place last year and participating fully in the festivities."

Canada growled. "Don't you DARE mess up."

America gulped again, and, in a very small voice, said, "I won't."

* * *

Soon, they were standing with the rest of the singing group on the stage. Canada was trembling in fury (and a bit of (actually, a lot of) fear), while America stood next to him, oblivious.

As the opening notes rang out, Canada steeled himself for the fight that was to come.

"O Canada!"

So far so good. But the next line... Oh jeez...

"Our home and native land! True patriot love in all thy sons command." "Terre de nos aïeux, Ton front est ceint de fleurons glorieux!"

It was actually kind of comical, how the music wound down, sounding like a dying animal's last screeches. Tension quickly rose up on the stage, in the pit, and in the audience. And the two nations were caught in the middle of it all.

"Maple..." Canada whimpered, closing his eyes. America beamed.

"YOU STUPID FRENCH IDIOTS! USE ENGLISH!"

"TAIS-TOI, DÉBILES ANGLAIS! FRANÇAIS EST LA MEILLEURE LANGUE!"

"Why, you little..."

"Bâtards!"

"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

"GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!"

And thus, the brawl began.

"Dude, this is awesome!" America laughed as they ran for cover. Canada shot him a glare, not even bothering with words.

Suddenly, America tugged him to the side, leading him down a small alley.

"What is it now?" Canada asked in exasperation. America didn't respond, merely dragging him further through the streets.

"America," came a voice. Canada whirled to see Japan following them. America merely threw a smile over his shoulder.

"Get ready!"

Japan nodded, and disappeared.

"Where did he come from? And what do you mean, 'get ready'?" The northern nation was bewildered.

"You'll see, Mattie!"

Soon, China also appeared, as did South Korea, and Estonia. America gave the same two-word phrase to them as he had to Japan. Canada was completely confused. There was a brawl and random nations popping up in one of his country's largest cities. What was going on?

Suddenly, the NA brothers burst out into the square where the festivities (read: fight between two factions that can't get along, even on another continent) were going on. A loud screech from the speakers silenced the crowd.

America pulled Canada up to the stage, grabbing a microphone. "Attention, everyone!"

"As if they hadn't been paying attention after that noise," Canada muttered under his breath.

America ignored him. "I have an awesome song to sing for my awesome twin, CANADA!"

Canada facepalmed. "Stop with the Prussia! And who gave you permission to reveal my identity to my people?"

"You mean they don't know?" America said, utterly confused.

"Of course they know, they just usually don't remember! It's the same as your people, and everyone else's people! And I, for one, enjoy walking around my own country without being stared at!"

"Sorry..." America said sheepishly. "I thought you would be happy-"

"America-kun, can you please focus?" Japan's voice said through the speakers.

"Yes, America, aru. Focus!"

"Or I will annex your breasts, da ze!"

"Wah! T-That i-isn't n-n-nice, Korea!"

"LATVIA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

Both North Americans sweatdropped.

"Anyways! To my dear twin!" America said. The random nations quickly quieted, and, once again, the opening notes of the Canadian national anthem rang out. America smiled, then started singing.

"O Canada!

My awesome twin brother!

You are so cool, I love you so so much!

I'm sorry that I pranked you now, but I really really want

You to hear this "O Canada" funny parody song!

You are so great, my dear brother,

O Canada! I love my twin brother!

O Canada! America loves you!"

Silence.

Then-

"You are an idiot."

And with that, Canada glomped America to the cheers of his (finally not fighting) people. And Japan, China, South Korea, Estonia, and a random Latvia carrying a smiling Russia mochi.

* * *

Author's Note: Randomness for the win!

I have no excuse for making such a horrible parody of the Canadian national anthem. Try singing or imagining it being sung badly but still in tune, though (the parody, not the actual anthem). That's how America would have sung it. XD

But really. I have no excuse for this chapter. I hope I didn't offend anyone...

Hope you liked it~!

* * *

**Chapter 6: Chapter 6**

* * *

Author's Note: So, apparently, according to this one Quiz Bowl practice website, the Burning of Washington was interrupted by a "freak tornado".

...

... I didn't even know Washington, D.C. could GET tornadoes... O.o'

But yeah. Of course, this turns into a plot bunny. *sigh* Why isn't interesting stuff like this in our history textbooks?

Also, this WILL be cracky and humorous. Even though it's the War of 1812, and most 1812 fics you see are angst (including one of my own...). SCREW ANGST! I LIKE CRACKY HUMOR! XD

Oh, and you'd better know what the Burning of Washington is, or Canada will probably go hockey mode on you. :)

* * *

"Gah! Stop it, Matt, it hurts!" America screamed, rolling on the ground while his capital burned behind him.

"No! This is revenge for York!" Canada cackled.

"Mattie!" America whined.

"It's all your fault, Alfred!" Canada said without any sympathy.

"Canada. That's quite enough-" England attempted to interject, but was quickly cut off.

"SHUT UP, ENGLAND!" both North Americans yelled at the same time, glaring at him.

The British Empire backed away slowly.

"Why would you do this to me?" America whimpered.

"Why did you do it to me?" Canada shot back.

America fell silent. Then-

"What is that?"

* * *

Chapter 6: In which a freak tornado interrupts the Burning of Washington.

Because apparently it happened. *sweatdrop*

* * *

"Don't try to avoid the question!" Canada said, angry at his twin. But America ignored him, eyes widening in fear.

"RUN!"

With that, America grabbed Canada, hurled him completely out of the city, then followed, running at breakneck speeds.

"ALFRED! WHAT THE HECK!" Canada screamed, plummeting down to earth.

"TORNADO!"

"WHAT?!"

"TOR-NA-DO!"

"IN WASHINGTON?!"

America pointed.

Sure enough, there, in the distance, was a tornado.

Canada facepalmed. "Of all times a _tornado_ could have occurred..."

"Mattie! Shut up and run!"

With America leading the way, North American twins raced off to safety.

When they finally reached shelter, both collapsed onto the ground, panting hard in an attempt to catch their breaths again.

"... Hey... Al?" Canada finally asked, still breathing heavily.

"Yeah... Mattie?"

"Weren't you... hurting... from the... fire?"

"Oh... yeah..." America frowned. "I forgot... about that..."

Canada facepalmed again. "How do you FORGET about that?"

"Uh... Sorry?" America offered up weakly.

Canada heaved a sigh of exasperation. "Why'd you even... save me?"

"Oh, right... We're at war... aren't we..." America frowned again.

Another facepalm from Canada. "You're really... spacey today..."

"Yeah... Right! Let's go back!" America jumped to his feet and grabbed Canada again.

"Gah! Put me down, Al, or I'll go ahead and burn Philadelphia too! And Boston!"

"Wah! Don't do that!" America hurriedly set his brother down.

"Hmph." Canada brushed himself off, sending an annoyed look at his twin.

"Well, uh... I guess we should head back?"

Canada sighed. "Yeah."

Together, they began their trek back to the not-burning-anymore city.

* * *

_Meanwhile, still in Washington..._

"Oh, those bloody gits, just forgot about me, eh?" England muttered. "Idiot America. And Canada too..."

He got out a paper and scribbled a quick note, leaving it tacked to the wall where he was sure the brothers would find it.

Then he ordered retreat.

* * *

_Back to the NA bros!_

"Hey, Mattie, where'd England go?"

"I have no idea. I don't see any British soldiers, either."

"Hmm. That's weird... Oh, hey, look, a note!"

Canada jogged over to where America was excitedly pulling a piece of paper down from a wall.

_Dear America,_

_Bloody idiot. Your weather is insane._

_Sincerely, England_

"Well. That's not nice," America complained. Then they read on.

_Dear Canada,_

_I expected better of you. Find your own way home, I've left already._

_Sincerely, England._

Canada huffed. "America, let's go."

"Wha? Where're we going?"

"North."

"Why?"

"Because it's your fault I came here, your fault I separated from England, and your fault that he left without me. So now you have to help me get home."

"Aw... But Mattie! I have a war to fight!"

"If you haven't noticed, I do to. With you. NOW TAKE ME HOME!"

"Aw... fine."

And the two brothers set off for the north.

THE END!

* * *

Author's Note: Like I said, I have no idea. Apparently, though, the tornado was what saved Washington from further destruction. Which doesn't make sense, since the tornado probably did worse than any humans could do... Meh.

Um yeah. ANYWAYS, moral of the story? TORNADOES LIKE AMERICA!

OK, no, that's not the moral of the story. There isn't a moral. Because this is crack humor Hetalia fanfiction. There isn't supposed to be a moral. There.

Oh, and the TV Tropes page on the War of 1812 is funny. Go look at it. NOW!

Hope you liked it! :)

* * *

**Chapter 7: Chapter 7**

* * *

Author's Note: I am intrigued by the idea of the Omegaverse. Therefore, I will write a oneshot for it, in order to explore its mysteries.

Except I don't do ships. So this will be an Omegaverse AU without ships. Make sense? Nope! SCREW LOGIC, I'M AMERICAN! XD (That doesn't actually make much sense either (or maybe it DOES... O.o), but it goes with the theme of not making sense!) And the nations are still nations. Just saying.

Also, is it weird that I think "humourous" looks better than "humorous", but "humor" looks better than "humour"? Same with "utilize"... "utilize" over "utilise", but "utilising" over "utilizing". Not that I ever use the word "utilize". Ah, well. *shrug* Spellings are weird.

England and France make guest appearances, as well as some other random characters. But mainly England and France.

Oh, and I kinda borrowed a scene from Black Butler/Kuroshitsuji for the beginning of this. Please, get your minds out of the gutter. It is NOT semi-explicit yaoi, whatever you may think. You have been warned. :)

* * *

"Hah... hah... England... It hurts..."

"I know, America. Just a little more."

"It... Ah! Hah... It's not gonna fit! "

"It will, don't worry."

"Ah... ENGLAND! I'm gonna explode!"

"Shh... You're not going to explode. Just hang on a bit longer, it's almost over."

"Hah... Gah! IGGY! I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!"

* * *

Chapter 7: In which we get a glimpse of a really twisted view of the Omegaverse.

And get your head out of the gutter, already!

* * *

"Iggy..." America whimpered. "It's not fitting! Ah!"

"Sorry," England said, leaning over the younger nation on the bed to get a better angle. "I told you, it _will_ fit, you just have to stop squirming!"

"GAH! IGGY!" America suddenly yelped.

"Oh. Sorry," England apologized, but kept going.

Finally, America couldn't take it any more. "WHY ARE YOU EVEN PUTTING A CORSET ON ME?!"

[Random A/N: See, I told you. I don't do semi-explicit yaoi. XD]

England shrugged, tightening the laces some more. "Because. You need to look the part. I wonder where you got omega tendencies, anyways."

"BECAUSE THE AUTHOR-"

"AMERICA! THE FOURTH WALL!"

"Oh. Sorry." America coughed, then tried again. "Because it's all your fault! Ow!"

"How is it my fault?" England said, amused. He quickly gave another jerk to the laces in his hands, then tied them off.

"AAAAAHH! IGGY!" America complained. England smiled.

"You haven't answered my question."

"Because I was your stupid colony, and colonies tend to be omegas!"

A small chuckle came from the doorway, and Canada emerged. "You got that right, Al. You were pretty stupid. In fact, I think you still are."

Now, normally, this would cause America to splutter in indignation and England to stare blank-eyed at the random person who looked so much like America, but today, both stared in astonishment.

"M-Mattie... W-What is t-that that you're w-wearing?" America practically squeaked at the end of his sentence.

"Ohonhonhon... do you like it, Amérique?"

America's jaw dropped. Canada blushed like crazy. And England? Well...

"BLOODY FROG! WHAT DID YOU DO TO CANADA? WHY WOULD YOU PUT HIM IN... IN... IN A _DRESS_?!"

"You're doing it to America, Angleterre," France pointed out.

America flinched. "What? Iggy? You were going to put me in a dress?"

"Of course, America. What did you think the corset was for? I put Canada in a similar one." France said, still calm.

Canada hid his face in his hands.

England heaved an exasperated sigh. "Let's just get you dressed, America."

Going over to the closet, he pulled out a blue dress in exactly the same cut as Canada's red one. "Come on, then."

America turned red. "N-No! I'm not putting that thing on! Mattie, how can you stand it?"

Canada blushed again. "I-It's not so bad, Al... And it's only for a bit... We'll get to change after the ceremony..."

"AFTER the ceremony? Oh jeez... The whole world will see me wearing this! How will I ever..." America fell back on the bed in defeat.

"Oh, belt up, America," England grumbled, lifting the superpowers limp arms and slipping the blue fabric over his head. "It's your nature. Now get over it."

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, IGGY!" America screamed, tugging down hard on the dress so it fell into place haphazardly. Then he crossed his arms and pouted.

"I agree with America," Canada spoke up. "Except it's also kind of France's fault."

France was shocked. "How could you say that, mon cher? You wound me!"

"Well, you two DID make us your colonies," Canada pointed out. "So since _you_ caused this... It would only be fitting for us to cause something back, non?"

A wicked gleam appeared in both North Americans' eyes.

"Why do I get a bad feeling about this..." England murmured to his best friend/worst enemy/hated rival/childhood acquaintance. France merely shook a bit in fear.

* * *

"Aw, come on! _Liechtenstein_ gets to wear pants!" America complained, throwing his hands up in defeat.

"Brother dear, let her be. After all, she probably didn't choose her outfit."

"Very true. And Switzerland is Switzerland. With his not-lonely goldfish."

Canada chose not to comment on the random statement, humming in agreement instead. "And we've gotten our just revenge."

"Very, very true." The twins shared a look.

"ALRIGHT! EVERYONE GET INTO YOUR PLACES!" Germany finally yelled. Slowly, the chattering died down as each nation found the correct place to stand.

"Gut. Now, as I'm sure you already know, we have all developed certain "natures" due to the random decision of the author-"

"NO WEST! NOT THE FOURTH WALL! NOT AWESOME!" Prussia yelled.

"- right. Ahem. We have all developed certain "natures" due to random cosmic forces. So we will now conduct this ceremony to officially declare our natures."

Everyone looked around. After a somewhat long and awkward pause, Italy spoke up.

"Ve~! Doitsu, do you just want us to say what we are?"

"... Ja, that was the idea, Italien."

"OK! Then, me and fratello are both omegas, big brother Spain is an alpha, Austria is a beta, Hungary is an alpha-"

"That's enough, Veneziano! Let others speak for themselves!" Romano quickly interjected before Italy ran through every nation he knew.

"Ve... Mi dispiace, fratello..."

After that, the process went by relatively efficiently. Some natures were relatively predictable (Germany was alpha, Poland was beta, Latvia was omega), but some were surprising (Russia was beta, Liechtenstein too, and of course the North American brothers were omegas).

Then they got to France and England.

Everyone stared.

"We're alphas," France muttered, burying his head in his arms.

"Big brother France... what are you wearing?" Italy asked in half curiosity, half horror.

France just curled in on himself a bit more. Meanwhile, England was glaring at America, who, along with Canada, snickered.

"I think you look great, England!" the northern nation declared.

"You too, France," the southern added.

"Who?" Kumajirou muttered, but no one minded him.

"Sod off, you bloody gits," the island nation muttered, fingering the edge of his modified Britannia Angel costume.

Canada gasped in mock surprise. "Oh, America, catch me! I feel faint! England has wounded my poor little delicate omega soul!"

"Oh, Canada!" America breathed, playing along with his brother's antics. "What shall we do? All these big, scary, _powerful_ alphas around! I'm at loss!"

France, in his very shaggy teddy bear costume, glared. "Shut up, America."

Russia started smiling creepily. "You will not insult my little omega friends, da? Alpha or no, I WILL make you one with me. Kolkolkol..."

France and England froze, eyes wide.

The North American brothers burst into laughter, practically falling on each other (and, in Canada's case, almost crushing Kuma). The rest of the world began to chuckle as well. "Ah, good one, Russia!"

"Spasibo. I try." Russia calmly resumed his normal expression. Which... wasn't that different from his threatening expression.

"Yeah, yeah, you've had your fun, now let us go change!" England finally was able to make himself heard over the laughter of the rest of the nations.

"I suppose that's OK now," Canada mused. America nodded.

"Right, Iggy, Francey-pants! Now that you've learned not to mess with us, let's go get comfortable!"

And so, the ceremony ended.

* * *

Author's Note: I told you it was weird... *sigh*.

Mi dispiace means I'm sorry in Italian, by the way. And the comment about goldfish and Switzerland is a reference to a law my friend (SeraSearaSpin) shared with me. It says that it's illegal to deprive goldfish of companions in Switzerland, so all goldfish bowls must have at least two fish. Speaking of Sera, you should go read our joint fic! It's called "Our Turbulent Sea of Peace". :) *cough*shamelessselfadvertising*cough*

Oh, and because I don't really like that ending, have an omake.

* * *

OMAKE!

"Hey, Mattie?"

"Yeah, Al?"

"... You know those dresses France and England got us?"

"What about them?"

"... I... Well, uh..."

"Spit it out already."

"I... I actually... kinda... liked wearing them..."

"Mmhmm."

"Wait. You agree with me?"

"Yeah. Wanna play dress-up?"

"... Do you know how strange that sounded? You're almost half a millennium old."

"Well, technically, I've been a nation for less than a hundred and fifty years."

"Mattie! That's not an excuse! And you're older than me!"

"Yeah, well, I still wanna play dress-up with my little brother. Anything wrong with that?"

"Hmm... Nope! Let's play!"

~5 minutes later~

"America, Canada, I- WHAT THE BLOODY-"

"Ohonhonhon... Looks like Amérique et Canada DO like our gifts~!"

"SHUT UP, FROG!"

* * *

Author's Note, Take 2: Oh, how I love the FACE family... :P

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 8: Chapter 8**

* * *

Author's Note: So, I'm bored, and this kinda happened. Also, is it weird that I slept until 4:00 pm on Thanksgiving Day? O.o

... My head is woozy. Forgive me for the bad-crack-thingy-that's-under-this-line.

* * *

Fly-tackling your brother is not a very good way to greet him.

Never mind ask him to attend your party.

Nope.

So America shouldn't do so.

Nope nope.

*sigh*

* * *

Chapter 8: In which America and Canada have an interesting discussion about Thanksgiving.

Oh, and America fly-tackles Canada. But you knew that.

* * *

"MATTIE!"

A flying America slammed into Canada, causing both to crash to the ground.

In a very geography-defying manner.

Meaning, America landed on top of Canada.

"GAH! ALFRED! GET OFF OF ME!"

"Hey, bro, wanna come to my Thanksgiving party?" America asked, not getting off of Canada.

"GET OFF OF ME!"

"Please, Matt?"

"GET OFF!

"Aww... C'mon, it'll be fun!"

"GAH!" In a (very OOC) fit of rage, Canada flipped America off of him. Only to find a slightly squished Kumajirou, sleepily raising his head.

"Who are you?"

"Canada," said Canada. Facepalming.

"So do you wanna come, Mattie?" America asked again, seemingly unfazed at getting thrown off his northern brother. "Iggy and France and Prussia and Japan and Lithuania and... whoever they end up bringing with them... are coming!"

"You asked me a month and a half ago."

"I did?"

"Yes. At _my_ Thanksgiving party."

"Really?"

Canada sighed. "Yes, Al. Really."

"Huh." America frowned. "Hey, Matt?"

"Yeah?"

"Why do we have different Thanksgivings?"

Silence.

"Matt?"

More silence.

"Mattie? Matthew?"

...

"Hey, Canada! Wake up!"

"I'm not asleep, Alfred."

"Well, why didn't you answer me, then?"

"Because. I'm actually not quite sure."

"Not quite sure why you didn't answer me?"

"No! I'm not quite sure why our Thanksgivings are different!"

"Oh."

A pause. Then America spoke up again.

"It's probably because of climate, then."

Canada looked at him questioningly.

"Well, Thanksgiving is to celebrate the harvest, right? You're farther north than I am, so it makes sense that you would have an earlier harvest season. Therefore, earlier Thanksgiving."

"Huh." Canada frowned. "That... actually makes sense."

"Hey!" America smacked him playfully. "That's not nice!"

Canada smirked. "What isn't nice?"

America fake-pouted. "So, you coming?"

"Yeah. I thought that was established already."

"Let's go then!"

And with that, a poor, hapless Canada was dragged across the border.

* * *

Author's Note: Short drabble is short. So have an omake. Or two.

Omake #1 is kinda long... *shrug*

* * *

Omake #1: Who's at America's Thanksgiving party? And, more importantly, how did they get there?

Canada walked into America's house and... Well, he had trouble getting into his brother's house in the first place.

Why? Well, you see...

"Ve! Doitsu, Doitsu! PASTAAA~!"

"Get off, Italien!"

"Kesesese... THE AWESOME PRUSSIA WILL CLAIM YOUR VITAL REGIONS!"

"Leave, or I shall express my anger through Chopin!"

"Do you want this frying pan in your face, Prussia?"

"AWWWW! ROMANO, YOU'RE SO CUTE!"

"S-SHUT UP! TOMATO BASTARD!"

"Ohonhonhon~!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME! Bloody frog..."

"Hey, like, Liet! Don't you, like, totally love my dress?"

"It's wonderful, Poland."

"I-I t-t-think it l-looks horrible, M-Mr. P-P-Poland..."

"LATVIA!"

"ANIKI'S BREASTS BELONG TO ME, DA ZE!"

"AIYAA! GET OFF, KOREA, ARU! DO SOMETHING, TAIWAN!"

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Hey, can I, like, set off some fireworks?"

"Ah... Hong Kong-kun, I don't think that's a particularly good idea..."

"Hey Japan! Who do you like better, me or Greece?"

"Obviously me... Bastard Turkey."

"Big brother... Big brother... Marry me... MARRY ME! MARRIAGE MARRIAGE MARRIAGE!"

"AAAAAHHHH! GO AWAY, BELARUS!"

"Russia-chan! Don't say that!"

"Why are we here again?"

"To have some fun, Norge! Duh!"

"... I'm going to feed Mr. Puffin. Excuse me."

"M' w'fe 'nd I 're g'ing t' g't s'me w'ter."

"Ah... Su-san, please stop calling me your wife..."

Canada sweatdropped. "Al... I thought you said you only invited England, France, Japan, and Prussia..."

"Hmm?" America looked around. "Oh, yeah, I did."

"Then why...?" At loss for words, Canada gestured.

"Well, let's see. The Asians probably came because South Korea found out Japan was coming and dragged them with him. The Nordics probably came because Denmark found out about Prussia coming. Speaking of Prussia, he probably made Austria, Hungary, and Germany come, with Italy following Germany, and Spain and Romano were probably invited by France... Um, Lithuania was probably followed by Poland and the Baltics, and Russia was probably stalking either them or China. Belarus and Ukraine are kinda self-explanatory. Greece and Turkey were probably arguing again, so they came to get Japan to mediate. I think England's probably the only one who came without anyone following him."

Canada gave his twin a blank-eyed expression. Then he sighed. "Why am I surprised? I should be used to this by now..."

And thus, he found a wall to slam his head into.

* * *

Omake #2: In which the world experiences the real might of the American public. AKA Black Friday sales events. XD

"Alfred, I TOLD you it was a bad idea!"

"Naw, they're doing fine! Stop worrying so much, Matt."

"What do you mean, fine? They're obviously stunned!"

"Meh. They'll get used to it."

Canada glanced worriedly toward the utterly shell-shocked nations standing in the middle of the store. They were staring in abject horror at the chaos that was happening around them. The throngs of people, the hours-long lines, the mess that they left behind... It was the nation of the United States of America at its best and its worst.

Suddenly, all of the nations died simultaneously.

"Gah! Al! I told you they couldn't handle it!"

"Aw, chill, Mattie. It's fine."

"They're dead, Al," Canada deadpanned.

America looked up. "Wait, really?"

"Yes."

"Cool!"

"AMERICA! They're dead, and you're saying it's cool?"

"Well, it is pretty epic that they all died simultaneously."

"True..."

And so, since all the other countries had died, the North American brothers soon came to be in control of the entire world.

But then the world turned into Finland mochi, so Finland ended up reviving and becoming the world's evil dictator person.

The end.

* * *

Author's Note #2: Don't ask. I'm still kinda dizzy...

But yeah, Black Friday is pretty bad... Although not as bad as news reports make it seem. I swear, those people breaking down doors and trampling store associates? THEY'RE ISOLATED CASES!

... Or maybe not... O.o

* * *

**Chapter 9: Chapter 9**

* * *

Author's Note: I recently came across this in a Wikipedia article: In Canadian history and political science, the term "Continental Union" refers to the idea of creating a union between Canada and the United States, either by forming a new, super-national body in which both countries would become equal members, or by the United States annexing Canada. The ideology which favours Canadian integration with the United States, economically or politically, is known as "continentalism", the more radical version which favours Canada becoming part of the United States is called "annexationism". Continentalism has historically been one of three theories of Canadian nationality that predominated in English Canadian thought, the others being pro-British "Imperialism", and Canadian nationalism.

Coupled with the fact that there's also _French_ Canada, my fangirl-y mind, of course, turns it into a plot bunny. *sigh* Never question the inner workings of a Hetalia fangirl's mind.

Because she doesn't know, either.

* * *

"GAAAAAAHHHHHH! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID! I HATE MY FAMILY!"

"Uh... Matt...?"

"IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, AMERICA! Well, I guess England and France too... BUT IT'S STILL YOUR FAULT, AMERICA!"

"Uh... Whaaa...?"

"DHSIVLBDRHYWILJVHDGEHAJKLDVJDGHJKOARWDLSMCDVJ! I AM MY OWN COUNTRY, AND I AM STRONG! YOU WILL NOT BEAT ME!"

"Dude... I'm _so_ confused..."

* * *

Chapter 9: In which Canada has a... mental breakdown, I guess... kinda... ish... not really...

America's just conveniently placed for Canada to turn his anger/breakdown/sudden-bout-of-insanity on. XD

* * *

"WAAAAH! MATTIE, STOP!"

"I SHALL NOT!" Canada yelled, chasing America around the room in a frenzy. The poor, terrified American nation was promising himself that if he got out of this alive, he would give up burgers for a month.

Suddenly, Canada stopped, falling to the ground in horror. "Oh, I'm so sorry! Sorry, America! I didn't mean to! Now can we please become one?"

This, of course, further terrified the other nation.

"GAH! Leave me alone, Matt!"

"NO!" came the anguished wail. "PLEASE DON'T! I WANNA BE PART OF MY BROTHER! NOW! LET US BECOME ONE, BROTHER! PLEASE! S'il vous plaît, por favor, Bitte, per favore, alstublieft, будь ласка, пожалуйста παρακαλώ どうぞ 求求你 vänligen olkaa hyvä من فضلك कृपया-"

"GAAAAAH!" America now understood what Russia whenever Belarus went... well. "STOP! OK, FINE!"

"Really?" Canada looked up at America from where he had gotten a death grip on his twin's torso, smiling tearfully. Then he snapped again.

"GAH! Pourquoi suis-je étreignais cet Américain? Pfa!"

America's mind was thoroughly wiped clean by this random display of... well, randomness... from his brother.

"Matt...?"

"SHUT UP! THE BRITISH EMPIRE WILL RISE AGAIN!"

"Wha...?"

Canada spasmed, then fell to the ground, unconscious.

America blinked. Then he grabbed a baseball bat and headed out the door.

The next day, France would cross the English Channel, only to find and unconscious, bruised England and a note that said "Don't touch Mattie! EVER!" on the floor.

The poor French nation had only wanted to bug his dear frenemy... Poor thing.

* * *

Author's Note: That was fun. Really fun.

Translations:

S'il vous plaît, por favor, Bitte, per favore, alstublieft, будь ласка, пожалуйста παρακαλώ どうぞ 求求你 vänligen olkaa hyvä من فضلك कृपया - Please (repeated in French, Spanish, German, Italian, Dutch, Ukrainian, Russian, Greek, Japanese, Chinese, Swedish, Finnish, Arabic, and Hindi, respectively. *smiles innocently*)

Pourquoi suis-je étreignais cet Américain? - Why am I hugging this American? (French that I used Google Translate for. I apologize for my grammar. I have next to no knowledge of French. Only a few commonly known words and phrases. It _is_ amusing to note, however, that if you type "Why am I hugging this American?" into Google Translate, it says "Did you mean: Why am I **bugging** this American?". Is that really that common of a search phrase? O.o)

Pfa - (A sound effect that I don't know how to spell.)

Also, Americans can't cook. I mean, seriously, steaming vegetables? How tasteless is that? I'm glad I'm Chinese-American. (Sorry. That was random...)

I regret nothing. NOTHING!

* * *

**Chapter 10: Chapter 10**

* * *

Author's Note: If you think about it, the names "America" and "Canada" are super feminine. Just saying.

But yeah. Anyways, I FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL ORGANIZATION BASED IN OTTAWA! I'm not sure how, actually... But apparently this thing called the "Forum of Federations" is based in Ottawa. Except... the first meeting or something was in... some city I don't feel like looking up again... in Quebec.

Poor Ottawa. It's even more forgotten than Canada is. Then again, Australia's Canberra has a pretty sad story... at least, according to this Chinese-Australian camp counselor at my summer camp in China. Supposedly, the Australians couldn't decide whether to make Sydney or Melbourne their capital, so they were like, COMPROMISE TIME! We'll just find the halfway point between the two cities, and voila, Canberra.

Actually, if you think about it, England's former colonies seem to all have weird capitals. As mentioned above, Ottawa and Canberra. I maintain that Washington, D.C. is only well known because of America is America *cough*MURICA!*cough*. Wellington (New Zealand) is the southernmost capital in the world. South Africa has 3 capitals, one for each branch of government. India... doesn't count because reasons. XD And that's all I can think of off the top of my head.

Anyways. Sorry for rambling. Enjoy the chapter!

* * *

"Hey, Al."

"Yeah?"

"Which one of us is older?"

"Uh... you are."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Uh... actually, no."

"Huh. Does anyone know?"

* * *

Chapter 10: In which we examine the ages of the North Americans.

And don't actually come to a definitive conclusion.

* * *

America frowned. "... Well, I could ask Finland... but I don't think he knows when you showed up."

"Probably not," Canada agreed. "I'm pretty sure France was the first to find me, but I remember wandering around on my own before that..."

"Yeah, me too."

"So... why do people think I'm older?"

America sighed, sitting up from his previous position laying down on the hillside. "Well, for one, your birthday is 3 days before mine."

Canada flapped his hand around before returning it to its previous position, hugging his knees to his chest. "That doesn't count, and we all know it. Birthdays are relative. I bet France wasn't _actually_ born on le quatorze juillet. Plus, by that reckoning, France would be younger than us by a week and a half, and China by 4 months! And England would be infinitely old, since he doesn't actually have a birthday."

"Well, yeah, but that's just how the fans-"

"Fourth wall."

"... right. That's just how people justify it."

Canada sighed. "OK... so why do people say you're older than me?"

"Because I got my freedom earlier."

"... What does that have anything to do with anything? We weren't born or created or whatever when we got independence! Do people not realize we were colonies for hundreds of years?"

America shrugged. "Hey, don't ask me! It's the people talking."

There was a moment of quiet, then America spoke up again. "By first settlement date, if you count the Vikings, you're older. If you don't... uh... it's still you, I think. But that's if you don't consider the failed settlements..."

Canada nodded. "That's true. And don't forget about the Spanish. They did some exploring in what are now your southern states, and founded some city in Florida, right? If you count that, that would make you older."

"Yeah... So... yeah..."

There was another stretch of quiet.

"Whatever. I guess it doesn't matter," Canada said at last, as he watched Kumajirou return from an exploration in the fields. The polar bear climbed into Canada's lap, muttering "Who?" before falling sound asleep.

"Yeah, I guess it doesn't," America agreed, reaching over to pet his twin's constant companion. "Hey, Mattie?"

"Hmm?"

"Who's older, you or Kumajirou?"

Canada stared. "Why...?"

America shrugged. "Since we're on the topic of ages, I thought I'd ask."

"I'm pretty sure we're the same. I've had him as long as I can remember, and he tells me that he can't remember ever being without me, either."

"That must've been nice. I wish I had a companion, growing up."

"You did. You had me. But you always forgot about me."

"I meant before France gave you to England."

"Oh." Canada frowned. "Hang on... how come we're twins if we'd never met before that?"

America shrugged. "Hey, how come we even exist in the first place? Do not question the anime/manga-"

"AMERICA! FOURTH WALL!"

"Oh. Right. Sorry~!"

The rest of the day was spent in peace and quiet.

(Except when Kumajirou spilled fish guts over the brothers. But that's a story for another time. :P)

* * *

Author's Note: I should really be working on my APES lab... Or my WHAP/English project research... Meh.

Of course, lots of you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. Basically, APES=Advanced Placement Environmental Science. WHAP=World History Advanced Placement. In my school, WHAP and English can be taken as a two-period class, together. There. Explained.

Now I must go projecting. Joy.

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 11: Chapter 11**

* * *

Author's Note: OK, it's official. Canada has gone insane.

Why do I say this, you ask? Because I heard on the news (THE AMERICAN WORLD NEWS!) that apparently, a Canadian airline asked people what they wanted for Christmas, and at the baggage pickup place, actually let sent the presents out of the thingy onto the spinny thingy instead of the actual bags. (I'm sorry, I can't really describe it that well...) Add that to the mayor of Toronto thing, and the crazy weather (hey, if it's _snowing_ in the _American south_ , even going below freezing in _Texas_ , it's gotta be bad in Canada), and you get Canada=insane.

Yep.

Now have a chapter.

* * *

"Ow..."

"Mattie? You OK?"

"No..."

"What's wrong?"

"Everything..."

"... Uh, Matt?"

"Mrrrrr..."

* * *

Chapter 11: In which Canada goes slightly bonkers.

But it's all good, 'cause America's actually being a good brother this time.

* * *

By now, America was seriously disturbed by Canada's behavior. It wasn't normal for the normally smiling, kind northern nation to be sitting on the ground for the past half an hour, muttering to himself in a mangled amalgamation of English, French, Dutch, Finnish, Russian, Mongolian, Nepalese, Haitian Creole, and Latin, of all languages.

Especially not when he sounded depressed.

Yes, America was getting seriously worried.

"Matt? Can you get up now?" America crouched down next to his brother.

"Nyet."

"Matt, it's cold on the ground, and your pants are soaked. You're going to get hypothermia, or something."

"'m the nation 'f C'nada. 'm fine..."

"Alright, yeah, you're Canada. Doesn't mean you're insusceptible to frost bite."

"Nnnggh..."

America sighed. "Mattie... Come on, get up! Don't make me pick you up like a baby."

Canada ignored the threat.

"Maaatttt... Come on, dude, talk to me!"

Canada squirmed further into the snow. "Non."

"Aw, but Matt, I'm your favorite brother!"

"Mene pois."

America huffed. "I'll cut off diplomatic ties with you if you don't get up now!"

"Not possible."

"Aw, c'mon, Mattie! I'll tell England and make him make you a colony again."

"Illegal."

"... Fine. Fine. You've got me beat. Now tell me what you want."

"Go 'way."

"No."

Canada didn't say anything. For a few minutes, the two North Americans sat in the snow, staring at each other.

Finally, America couldn't take it any longer. He stood up, grabbing his twin and forcing him to stand as well. But as soon as he let go, Canada just crumbled to the ground again.

Sighing, America lifted Canada over his shoulder and proceeded to trudge somewhere warm. Which... happened to be Cuba.

"Que? America? Ah, I don't have time to deal with you right now! Go away- wait, why are there two of you? Is that... uh... Canada?"

America rolled his eyes. "Yeah, I think he's got hypothermia or something. The cold's gone and screwed with his mind. Could you warm him up while I get revenge on England?"

"What does England have to do with anything?"

America shrugged, dumping Canada on Cuba's couch. "Nothing. It's just fun to blame his spells for everything."

And then he proceeded to go pick on England.

Leaving Canada with Cuba, who promptly forgot that it was Canada and not America that was in his house and bashed the poor nation's head in.

At least it made Canada snap back to his normal self.

Such a lovely continent, North America.

* * *

Author's Note: North America is pretty lovely. We've a lot of pretty scenery and undeveloped wilderness (mainly in the north) and lots of pretty scenery and nice vacation spots (mainly in the south. Unless your idea of an ideal vacation is in the arctic tundra...). We've also got most of the biomes in the world. Maybe all of them. I'm not sure.

But yeah.

Anywho. What's up with 1949? Seriously, SO MANY THINGS HAPPENED IN 1949! Let's see... India gained independence, the People's Republic of China (as opposed to the post-WWII Republic of China, which Taiwan claims to be right now) was formed, Newfoundland became a province of Canada, the British Commonwealth became the Commonwealth of Nations, Laos is formed, the fourth Geneva Convention was signed, NATO was created, the two Germanies were created, and lots of other stuff.

Seriously. What's with 1949? Jeez...

Anyways. Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 12: Chapter 12**

* * *

Author's Note: I was struck by sudden inspiration while role-playing with an internet acquaintance... And this was born.

There will be an OC in this: Mexico. She somehow related to America and Canada, even though she was raised by Spain. They're like... I dunno. Siblings who were separated as young children. I mean, canonically, America and Canada first met when France gave Canada to England. And they're twins, so Mexico being their sister while still being raised solely by Spain works.

Oh, and Mexico's human name will be... uh... *does a bit of research*... María Carmen. Because apparently it's a pretty traditional Spanish name, and going with the trend of Alfred being English for America and Mathieu being French but just English-ized (I think the correct term is Anglicized, but whatever) for Canada, it fits.

And Mexico's personality will be warped to fit the story line. Yep.

There. I have just successfully constructed an OC in less than 10 minutes. Now enjoy the chapter.

* * *

"AMERICA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

"I'm Canada! Not America, Canada!"

"SHUT UP, IMPOSTER! CANADA IS MY FRIEND AND YOU ARE NOT! GO BACK YOU YOUR OWN COUNTRY!"

"But I really am Canada! You invited me here!"

"I DON'T CARE!"

"Who are you?"

"I'm Canada, Kumajiso!"

"Hola Cuba!"

"Oh. Spain. Romano."

"Who were you yelling at?"

"That guy over there! He has the gall to invade my home!"

"Wah! It's a ghost person thing! PROTECT ME, SPAGNA!"

"Maple..."

* * *

Chapter 12: In which Canada has a random depressed moment and has to be comforted by his family.

Why do I torture Canada so? *sigh*

* * *

When America and Mexico finally located their lost brother, he was curled up in a corner of his house, head buried in his arms, body shaking silently.

"Mattie? Mattie, you OK?" America asked as he crouched down.

The shaking intensified.

"Matthew... Tell me what's wrong," Mexico said gently.

"G'way," was the muffled response.

The two more southern nations looked at each other.

"Mattie, c'mon, there must be something wrong!"

"Yes, Matthew. Tell us. We're your family."

Sniffling, Canada finally raised his head. His violet eyes were watery, swollen, red. "No one recognizes me! ROMANO THOUGHT I WAS A GHOST!"

Slightly taken aback, America blurted out, "Uh, isn't that a common occurrence?"

Canada started sobbing, and Mexico shot her neighbor a glare.

"There, there, Matthew, we recognize you, don't we?"

"'S not the s'me, M'ria..." Canada said, his voice unclear behind his arms and his sobs.

"Mattie," America tried again, "it's good that people can't see you, right? That way you avoid all the bad things. Remember when... well... you know..."

"Yeah, Matthew. Besides, why would you want those European losers to see you or recognize you? We're North America!"

"But it wasn't just the 'European losers', Maria Carmen!" Canada finally exploded. "CUBA keeps thinking I'm Al! And he's one of my best friends!"

"Oh." Mexico stood up suddenly, her skirt swishing. "Excuse me for a moment."

"Crap. Mattie, why'd you have to go and activate Maria's crazy protective big sister side?"

Canada's face was white. "Oh, no... I have to stop her!"

America sighed. "Don't, you know it's not possible."

"But... Cuba..."

"Ah, forget about that commie for a moment, 'kay? When Maria gets her mind set on something..." America shuddered. "Well, let's just put it this way. You're lucky you don't live next to her."

"Close enough," the northern nation muttered. "Well. I hope she doesn't injure them _too_ badly..."

The southern twin grinned. "Nice to have you back, bro!"

"Yeah, yeah..."

Later that day, the world community would find that Cuba, Spain, and Romano had simultaneously disappeared. No one knew where they went, and when they reemerged a few months later, they seemed... wary... of continental North America.

Most just assumed it was America's food that scared them off.

They would never know the truth of the matter.

* * *

Author's Note: So apparently, Mexico has a protective big sister complex. Yay. Not that she's necessarily _older_ than America or Canada. (See previous chapter with the whole debate over who's older...)

Meh.

So, hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 13: Chapter 13**

* * *

Author's Note: There's this video I found while watching Hetalia AMVs. It's called "Things Canadians Want Americans To Know".

It's hilarious. For some reason. I'm not sure exactly why... But yeah. Apparently, this is stuff Mattie wants Alfred to know... O.o

Um. Yeah. Go watch. You know. It's the video with the Canadian flag as the thumbnail.

Also, it seems to me that there's been a LOT of Canadians on Jeopardy recently... Apparently, according to the episode that aired last night (this chapter was posted on 12/21/2013), 3 in the past month. That's a lot. O.o

That aside, enjoy a new chapter!

* * *

"Hey, hey, Mattie, open the door!"

"What is it now, Al?"

"You've gotta come see this! C'mon!"

"Wah! Alfred! I'm not wearing shoes and there's SNOW outside!"

"Hehe... sorry... I kinda forgot about that..."

"... How do you forget that you're standing in the snow...?"

"I dunno."

* * *

Chapter 13: In which America gets super excited about Jeopardy.

And Canada is dragged unwillingly to watch... or is he? O.o

* * *

"See! It's the third time this month someone from your home has been on Jeopardy!"

"Al... this is what you dragged me several hundred kilometers south for?"

America shrugged, shoving a mug of hot chocolate into his twin's hands. "Dude, it's not like it's that far. Your capital's pretty close to the border."

"Yeah, but yours isn't. DC is pretty much in the center of your country's Atlantic coast."

"Whatevs. Look, it's coming on!"

Canada sighed, directing his attention toward the television that was currently blasting out the theme song of the popular American TV show.

"Why do I put up with you?"

"Because you love me! And you're my loyal hat."

This, of course, earned America a bonk on the head. "I am not your hat."

"Then why did you sit on my head when we were children?"

Canada spluttered. "That was ONCE! ONCE! When England thought it would be cute to put me on your head!"

"Still, you went along with-"

"Shut up, Al. The show's starting."

The North Americans sat in comfortable silence for a while, as the contestants were introduced and the gameplay began. Soon, however, America began getting worried.

Why, you ask?

He recognized that look in his brother's eyes. He, and most of the other nations of the world, had dubbed it the "Vancouver Olympics Look".

He did not like that look at all.

"Hey, Mattie, I'm bored. Wanna play Monopoly?"

"Shush. I'm watching the show."

"Mattie..." America whined. Canada frowned at him.

"Al, you were the one who insisted that we watch Jeopardy together."

"Yeah, but... I wanna do something else now."

"No. Besides, it's just getting good!" Canada's eyes practically sparkled, and America swore he could see waves of tiny red and white maple leaves rolling off of him. It was slightly creepy, in a Russia type of way.

"Bro, please, can we not?"

"Alfred, you got us into this. You'll just have to sit through until the end~!"

America groaned.

* * *

"Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on..." Canada muttered.

"Mattie-"

"Shush!"

"Come on... YES! WOOHOO! HE WINS! YEAH! GO CANADA! WOO!"

"Gah! Mattie, stop destroying my house!" America yelled, frightened.

"CAAAAAAANAAAAAAAAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Matt, please, stop!"

Suddenly, Canada mochi popped up against a random floating background of Niagara Falls, with a banner that read "CANADA is the greatest country!"

Canada hugged the little mochi tightly, then proceeded to continue dancing around and destroying America's living room.

In the end, it took the combined efforts of America, England, France, Prussia, Germany, Russia, Denmark, Sweden, and America mochi just to get Canada and Canada mochi out of America's home.

It took a well aimed shot from Finland, shooting a tranquilizer gun, to actually get Canada calm enough to return home.

And, well... you really don't want to know how long, or how much money, it took to clean up America's house...

"Gah, Mattie, why'd you have to go destroy my house! You're making my economy even worse!"

"Ehehehehe... sorry!"

* * *

Author's Note: The actual distance between Washington, D.C. and Ottawa, Ontario is, according to Google Maps, 909 km/565 mi. Which is pretty close, actually, if you think about it. It's possible to drive between the capitals within 9 hours. Assuming you drive at the speed limit and don't stop and don't get into any traffic, that is. I think.

DEATH TO THE CUSTOMARY (OR WHATEVER IT'S CALLED) AND METRIC SYSTEMS! SI FOR THE WIN! (I maintain that the SI system is _NOT_ the metric system. IT'S DIFFERENT, PEOPLES! (For example: for temperature, metric uses degrees Celsius, while SI uses Kelvin.) I SUPPORT SCIENCE! WOOOO!)

Ahem. I don't actually know if there's snow in Ontario right now, but I'd assume so, considering the huge storm system thingy that passed by last week and the new one that's coming this weekend. But if there isn't... I CLAIM ARTISTIC LICENSE!

The Canada sitting on America's head thing (BE THE HAT, CANADA, BE THE HAT! HAHAHAHAHA... Ok, I'll stop...) comes from a fanart of chibi Canada snuggling on chibi America's head, while chibi America's expression was kinda like "Huh? Canada? What...?" I'm not sure how that was physically possible, but oh well.

The Vancouver Olympics thing comes from the Christmas 2011 event, in which there were a few panels that depicted Canada during and after the Vancouver Olympics. I shudder to think about the dramatic change in character that occurred...

The Canadian guy on Jeopardy last night actually did win. By, like, 100 dollars or something. It was close.

The CANADA is the greatest country thing comes from the Omochi mochi manga summary strips. It was after Canada mochi ate the lettuce that America mochi thought was his dad and was planning destroying the world with. I think that's what it said, at least. Too lazy to look it up again. All I remember is that Canada mochi saved the world, by eating a lettuce... Moral of the story? To save the world, eat lettuce. XD

This is a long A/N... Um, yeah. Sorry if I seem a bit strange. I've got a cold and I think it's affecting my mental health. Not to mention it's, like 70 something degrees outside today. For metric friends, that's somewhere around 25 degrees. BUT SCREW THOSE NUMBERS, IT'S AROUND 298 KELVIN WAHAHAHAHAHA!

Hope you liked it~! :)

* * *

**Chapter 14: Chapter 14**

* * *

Author's Note: Since _someone_ *cough*youknowwhoyouare*cough* decided to be nitpick-y about my claim in the last chapter regarding Canadians on Jeopardy, allow me to clarify: There have been a lot of Canadian _contestants_ recently on Jeopardy.

So there. Alex Trebek does not count. *glare* :)

Ahem. Now, onto the intro for this chapter.

"Banff" is, like, a freaking awesome city name. It's, like, an onomatopoeia. Like, "BANFF! I'VE TURNED YOU INTO A NEWT!" *cough*MontyPythonreference*cough*

... And now it's got me turning into Poland... *sigh*

And... I feel like inserting some state/province OCs. Yep yep. Because it's fun to make fun of countries via their children. But only a few. Because, frankly, 63 OCs are kinda hard to keep track of... I'm not sure how people do it...

* * *

"Banff! Hahahahaha! Banff! Banff!"

"WHY WON'T YOU STOP ALREADY! IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY!"

"Oh, yes it is! BANFF! I JUST SHOT YOUR HEAD OFF! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"BESIDES, IT'S NOT LIKE YOU _JUST_ FOUND OUT ABOUT BANFF! I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE MAKING SUCH A FUSS!"

"Because 'MURICAH! HAHAHAHAHA- GAH! DON'T KILL ME!"

"GET BACK HERE!"

"Uh... girls...? ALF- Um, AMERICA! GET IN HERE!"

"Hmm? What's up, Ma- I mean, Canada?"

"Do you have any idea where Alberta got that dagger?"

"Huh? Dagger? Wha- HEY! That was my birthday present from Iggy in 1764!"

* * *

Chapter 14: In which we get to see the true extent of how dysfunctional North America is.

Mattie and Alfred are too young to be fathers, but they're nations, so whatever. :)

* * *

"AMERICA!" Canada quickly captured his southern twin before he could fly-tackle their children. "Stop it! You're being immature!"

"But that's a precious gift! I need to get it back before something happens to it!"

"It's a dagger. More likely it happens to something, rather than something happens to it."

"Still!" America tugged his arm out of his brother's grip. "It's one of the only presents I've got from Iggy!"

"America, you're about 4 centuries old. You've got more presents than that!"

"Yeah, but not from Iggy. He stopped celebrating my birthday after my revolution, remember? It makes him cough up blood..."

"Oh... right." Canada facepalmed. "How could I forget about that... Right. Let's get those two apart from each other."

Grinning identical grins, the North American twins advanced on their unsuspecting children.

"Perhaps if you take back everything you said about Banff, I _may_ forgive you," Alberta said, delicately twirling the dagger next to a terrified, cornered Montana's face.

But Montana lived up to her American heritage. "Never! I have FREEDOM!"

"Oh? Is that it?"

"Yeah, unlike you, you're part of a pseudo-socialist state!"

Alberta hummed. "Then I guess I have no choice but to do this~!"

But no one ever found out what she was about to do, considering the fact that she dropped to the floor a moment later, knocked out cold.

America immediately pried the dagger out of the fallen province's hand, then went over to his state, his expression stern. "OK, tell me, what caused this?"

Montana fidgeted.

"Tell me. Now."

"I... uh... kinda... made fun of Banff?"

Soon, she, too, was unconscious on the ground, courtesy of her father.

A few minutes later, both state and province woke up to find their nations crouched over them.

Canada was frowning at the two, shaking his head sadly. "Didn't I teach you better?"

America nodded. "Yeah, that was a really bad move on both of your parts."

The two hung their heads sadly.

"Clearly I haven't pounded this into your heads enough," Canada continued. "If you want to kill someone, don't ever start talking to them beforehand."

"And it's clear that your self defense skills are lacking," America said. "Alberta, Montana, I want both of you in the gym at 7 am sharp tomorrow. We're going to work on your hand-to-hand and armed combat skills."

The young North Americans nodded sadly.

"Oh, and one last thing," Canada called. "America and I were not attempting to conceal our approach or employing stealth techniques. Any trained soldier would have been able to sense us coming from far away."

"You should have been prepared for us, kids," America concluded. "Now, back to the meeting with you two."

The two turned to go back to the meeting they were _supposed_ to be having with their siblings.

But of course, neither America nor Canada decided to comment on their skipping. Nope, they just nitpicked on their daughters' ability to fight.

Because that's all that really matters, right? XD

* * *

Author's Note: I have no idea what happened at the end. But I can imagine the NA bros getting upset that their children can't defend themselves.

The reason Alberta and Montana were chosen is because Banff is in Alberta. Surprise, surprise! And Montana borders Alberta. To the south. Obviously.

And it is actually canon that England coughs up blood at the mention of America's independence. Look up "The Centennial Gift". It's really quite strange... *shrug*

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 15: Chapter 15**

* * *

Author's Note: Anyone see the weather in the US lately? It's insane...

Also, plot bunnies.

No further comments.

* * *

"Alfred, you have to eat something."

"Not hungry."

"Alfred, please. It's not helping your health to go starving!"

"No."

"For me?"

"Go away, Matt."

"Al, if you don't at least drink some soup, I'll get England to force his scones down your throat."

"... That's blackmail."

"No it's not. Now sit up. I'll force feed you if I have to."

* * *

Chapter 15: In which America gets sick because of crazy weather.

And Canada takes the opportunity to coddle his brother.

* * *

"Say 'Ah'," Canada said, holding up a spoonful of chicken noodle soup.

America pouted. "Stop it! I can feed myself! I'm not a child!"

"Well, you're sure acting like one. Now, I have England on speed dial, so..."

"Augh, fine! Canadians, I swear..." America grumbled, opening his mouth.

Canada smiled sweetly and gently placed the spoon in the southern nation's mouth.

He did not expect the reaction he got.

"GAH! HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!"

Canada frowned, tasting a bit of the soup himself. "Al... It's not hot..."

"YES IT IS! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!"

"Al... the soup's only 30 degrees!" Canada retorted, pulling his handy thermometer out of the bowl. (What? Canada carries around a thermometer at all times. Don't you?)

"Dude... 30's below freezing."

"I meant Celsius," Canada deadpanned.

"... Right."

The North Americans stared at each other for a moment. Finally, the northern one sighed.

"Alright, I'll cool it down for you..."

A few minutes later, Canada returned to the bedroom with the slightly chilled soup.

"Now will you eat it?"

America wordlessly opened his mouth. And screamed yet again.

"GAH MATTIE WHAT IS THIS WHY IS IT SO FREAKING COLD!"

Canada frowned, inserting a thermometer into the soup again. "Al, it's only 40 degrees."

America's eye twitched. "Dude. That's too hot."

"I MEANT FAHRENHEIT!"

"... Oh."

"And really, what's up with you today? You're like... a woman going through menopause."

"Hey, it's not my fault! How would you like it if your northern regions were freezing solid while your southern regions were really hot?!"

"... You have no idea how inappropriate that sounded."

"Matt... your French is showing."

The northern brother threw his hands up in exasperation."I can't help it! You know what? You know WHAT?! I'm gonna force you to eat this whether you like it or not!"

With that, Canada whipped out a funnel, forced it down America's throat, and literally poured the soup into his brother's stomach.

"MATT WHAT THE HECK STOP!"

Canada smiled sweetly again. "I got you to eat, didn't I? Now don't worry, I'm sure you'll be back to normal in no time! After all, I put some knockout powder in that soup. So have a nice day long nap!"

America's eyes widened in fear. "Matt, you-"

Then he dropped unconscious.

Canada sighed. "Well, that's that. Kumajirou, don't eat America mochi. Or Canada mochi. They're not food."

"It's OKEY! I'M AMERICAN!"

"Eh... I'm Canadian, eh..."

"Yeah, yeah, go wave your miniature flags at each other somewhere else, OK? Alfred needs his rest."

* * *

Author's Note: Mochi. Just mochi.

Temperature conversions are confusing.

No further comments.

Also: don't be alarmed by the "Complete" marking on this. It's just because this story is a series of oneshots, which technically _are_ complete... It will still continue until I either run out of plot bunnies (likelihood not determinable, but close to 0), die (also unlikely, although you could probably calculate a probability for it), or give up Hetalia.

Of the three, the last option is most probable, considering I'm a teenager and have many busy years ahead of me, what with finishing high school and getting an undergraduate degree (and probably finding/attending a graduate school) and finding a job and FINALLY settling down... Oh, and probably starting a family. Yeah. Like most people will probably eventually do. So yeah.

The future is beautiful, isn't it? :)

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 16: Chapter 16**

* * *

Author's Note: So... You know how people (at least in the US) deep fry turkeys nowadays, but they often explode during the process? Yeah...

Plot bunnies shall die in the most gruesome fashion possible! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Ahem.

* * *

"Hey, Matt! Wanna come over for dinner tonight? It'll be a little family gathering!"

"Sure. Are you inviting France and England?"

"Yep! I've called them already, they said their on their way."

"Alright, I'll be down there in a few."

"Well, you'd better hurry, or else the oil's gonna get cold!"

Click.

"... Oil? What oil...?"

* * *

Chapter 16: In which America attempts to deep fry a turkey to serve to his family.

... You can tell where this is going, right?

* * *

"Bloody frog!"

"Rosbif!"

Canada sighed, walking in the door of America's home. "Are they at it again?"

"Yeah... I'm not sure what it's about this time, though. They were like that when they got here." America scratched his head, then shrugged. "Whatever. Come on out back!"

"Out back? What for?"

"You'll see!"

America pulled the wary Canada out to the backyard, then waved with a flourish. "Taadaa!"

"Um... what exactly... is... that?"

"My turkey-frying apparatus!"

"Uh..."

Tied to a string on the end of a long pole was the turkey, suspended precariously above a pot of bubbling oil.

"Alfred... it looks like you're about to torture the poor thing..."

"It's dead, Matt."

"Well, yes, I realized that, but... Are you sure it's safe?" Canada decided to try another approach.

"Probably. Not that many houses get set on fire each year, so I'd say our odds are pretty good."

"Houses get _set on fire_?!"

"Well, duh. We're deep frying a turkey here. It can explode."

Canada's eyes were bugging out by this point. "IT... CAN... EXPLODE?!"

"Uh... yeah...?" America was beginning to look worried. "Mattie... are you OK?"

"Al... I REALLY don't think this is a good idea..."

"Aw, c'mon, it'll be fun! Hey, France, Iggy, come out here! We're cooking the turkey!"

Presently, the two older nations emerged, both looking slightly disheveled from their fight.

America happily picked up the pole the turkey was attached to, swinging it around and almost hitting England in the face.

"Hey, you wanker, watch where you swing that thing!"

"Sorry!"

"Amérique, what exactly are you planning to do to that bird...?" France asked warily as America positioned the turkey above the pot of oil.

"Deep fry it!"

And with that, the turkey plunged down.

It was fine - for a few milliseconds, that is. Then, a giant fireball exploded out of the pot.

France immediately started freaking out and yelling about his and Canada's "beautiful hair", causing England to start ranting about... things...

Meanwhile, Canada jumped behind a trashcan, daring a peek out only to glare at his brother.

Said brother was gazing at the fire with an expression of wonder and ecstasy.

"Woooooaaaaah... That was EPIC! Let's do it again, Mattie!"

"No, Al, we're not exploding another turkey!"

"Angleterre! This is your fault!"

"WHAT? How is it MY fault?"

"You've destroyed poor little Amérique's taste buds, and now he has to resort to such drastic measure to cook his food! At least I was able to teach mon petit Canada about good food before he had to go suffer your inedible cooking!"

"WHAT?! WHY YOU LITTLE-!"

"Great. Now you've set them off again, _poor little Amérique_ ," Canada mocked.

"It's not like you're doing anything to help the situation, _petit Canada_ ," America fired back.

"True. But you realize you've just exploded our dinner."

"No I haven't. This was just for fun. The real turkey's in the oven."

Canada stared at his brother. "You... exploded a turkey... for _fun_."

"Yep! Hey, IGGY, FRANCE! WE'RE GONNA GO EAT!"

And with that, America skipped into the house, humming a happy tune.

Canada's eye twitched. "Why in the world am I related to this... this... Aaagh!"

"It's all Angleterre's fault."

"Bugger off, frog!"

"You're _not HELPING_ , France!"

"Hey, are you dudes coming to eat or not? The food's getting cold!"

"You're not helping either, Al!"

* * *

Author's Note: Wooh. Fun.

And yes, America exploded a turkey for fun. Problem? O.e

But yeah... exploding turkeys are quite awesome. If you've not seen it, you should go find a video or something. It's not really as dramatic as it sounds, but it's still quite awesome.

:)

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 17: Chapter 17**

* * *

Author's Note: So, I found this article about WWI, and it was talking about how random countries joined in the fighting in non-European places. Then, there was the last sentence: "Those [countries] that did not engage in fighting declared war just to feel a part of the latest trend."

... That last sentence... What. Just what.

Anyways. Intro for this chapter: Apparently my friend from Calculus said that Canada is the cause of the cold weather. Which of course turns into a plot bunny. There's actually more to the situation, but I'll explain that at the bottom, so you can skip it if you wish.

ON TO THE STORY!

* * *

"Alfred. What. Are. You. Doing."

No response.

"Alfred. Stop."

Still no response.

"Alfred, let me go!"

Silence.

"GAH! ALFRED, LET ME GO THIS INSTANCE OR I'LL CALL THE WRATH OF THE NORTHERN WINTERS DOWN UPON YOUR SOUTHERN REGIONS!"

"HAH! SO YOU ADMIT IT! I KNEW IT WAS ALL YOUR DOING!"

"... Wait, what?"

* * *

Chapter 17: In which America gets a cold spell.

And, naturally, blames it on Canada.

* * *

America stood above his tied up, exasperated, and thoroughly confused brother triumphantly, striking his "I'M THE HERO!" pose.

"You admit to sending all this cold weather!"

"What...?"

"The cold weather and the snow and stuff! You're freezing my south, Matt! The people are FROZEN!"

"Al... I didn't send the cold weather. That's not possible..."

"Yes you did, you admitted to it yourself!" America gave Canada a look.

Canada sighed. "No I didn't... I was just joking. And plus, if YOU'RE country is freezing, just think of what MY citizens are going through!"

"Psshh... They're Canadian."

"And that is supposed to mean...?"

"They're used to it!"

Canada facepalmed. " _That_ is a stereotype. I'll have you know that my southern regions are very temperate!"

America pulled a face. "That sounded wrong."

Canada facepalmed again. "Get you mind out of the gutter! Geez, and I thought _I_ was the one raised by France!"

"Louisiana," America pointed out.

"New France," Canada shot back.

"That was taken over by Great Britain!"

"That was me!"

"Psh. Well, then, New Sweden and New Netherland!"

"Uh... what do Sweden and Netherlands have to do with this...?"

America shrugged. "Well, _technically_ , Sweden and Finland found me first..."

"True," Canada conceded. Then he frowned. "It never does say how I was found in the show-"

"FOURTH WALL!"

Suddenly, random pieces of wall started falling on the North American brothers, who ducked for cover as hordes of fangirls stormed the place, screaming and smothering them in, uh, whatever fangirls have.

Then, as suddenly as they came, they all disappeared and the fourth wall was repaired.

America and Canada looked at each other, eyes twitching.

"What... was that...?"

"No idea..."

* * *

Author's Note: Yep. When in doubt, break the fourth wall. *nods solemnly* XD

Also, I'm not sure where the ropes tying Canada up went... Eh, whatever. :P

Louisiana was French territory, until the fledgling US bought it from... Napoleon, I want to say. New Sweden was settled by Swedes, Finns, and Dutch, along with some Germans, apparently. It was handed over to the Netherlands after some war, and became part of New Netherland. Yes, it's actually spelled without an 's'. According to Wikipedia, at least.

So, the rest of the story that I mentioned in the first A/N (that you may skip if you wish): After the guy told me that he blamed Canada for the cold weather, he went on to ask a girl in our class if she was Canadian, even though we all kinda knew she was, we'd just never officially asked her. So, she said yes, and after a while, another random dude noticed that her shirt had Canada written on it in big, pretty, white, cursive letters. Therefore, she IS Canada (don't ask how this conclusion was reached, because I don't know either...), so now apparently the cold weather is _her_ fault. Except then the teacher, who is also Canadian, was like "Didn't the cold weather come in from the Mid-West?", so yeah... That was a weird story.

An interesting tidbit: Skype was apparently founded by a Dane and a Swede, with the software for the program written by three Estonians. IT'S PROOF OF ESTONIA'S TECHNOLOGY ABILITIES! WOOOOOO!

Oh, and if you want some funnies, google "international tourism website questions about canada". Really, you should do it. Human stupidity (and sarcasm!) is extremely hilarious.

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 18: Chapter 18**

* * *

Author's Note: Apparently... the US... colonized... O.o

And no, I'm not joking. Apparently Liberia was formed because of US-sponsored "colonization" efforts. I think it was part of the Back to Africa movement (or whatever is was called) during the civil rights movement. Regardless... WHY DON'T THEY TEACH US THESE THINGS IN SCHOOL?! Freaking stupid American education system... Bleh.

Random, but the people (because I do not condone the British vs. Canadians argument that happens on EVERY. FREAKING. 1812. THING. EVER! Seriously, people. STAHP.) who burned the White House in 1814 (YES IT WAS 1814 (unless I fail at date remembering)! THE WAR WAS NOT ONLY IN 1812! Freaking misnomers of history...) apparently stole the food before they torched the place... FOOD THIEVES! SHAME ON YOU! SHAME! YOU CAN BURN DOWN BUILDINGS, BUT DON'T STEAL THE FOOD! XD

... Actually come to think of it, food thievery is actually a pretty good idea in the middle of a war... Less use of a country's own resources and whatnot. I dunno...

Anyways. This chapter might be strange. I'm kinda sleepy...

* * *

"AMERICA~!"

"... Dude. Are you OK?"

"Yes, I'm fine, Alfred. Why do you ask?"

"..."

"... What? Don't look at me like that!"

"... Kuma... What did Matthew eat for breakfast this morning?"

"Who?"

"Canada..."

"Who?"

"Your owner."

"... Who?"

* * *

Chapter 18: In which Kumajirou is featured, kinda.

And Tony derps around with alien technology, because why not.

* * *

Both North Americans were staring at the polar bear. (The polar bear was just minding his own business. Because what does he care that random humans are staring at him?)

"... Is it just me, or is Kuma really forgetful today...?" America finally asked.

"He's usually not this bad... If I say I'm Canada, he'll know me..."

"Who?"

"CA. NA. DA!"

"... Who?" Then Kumajirou went back to chomping on random fish that materialized out of nowhere.

This fact did not escape Canada's notice.

"Al, where did that fish come from?"

"Huh? Who called my name?"

"AL! Not funny!"

America was genuinely frightened. Who was this? He was just standing there minding his own business, and then suddenly, WHAM! Ghost appears (well, doesn't really APPEAR, per se...) and starts talking to him.

"AAHH! GO AWAY GHOST!"

"Al! It's me, your brother!"

"I don't know you please don't hurt me I didn't do anything I'm sorry-"

"AMERICA! IT'S ME! CANADA!"

"- I'm sorry I'll never eat burgers again please don't do anything I'm innocent I don't know who you are-"

"Canada! You're northern brother? Your twin? Your..." Canada shuddered, "hat?"

"- but I'm sorry if I angered you and- Oh, hey Canadia!" America smiled, suddenly bouncing back from his scared cowering as if nothing had happened.

Canada's face: 0-o

Suddenly, snickering could be heard from behind a wall. America smiled wider.

"Hey, Tony, dude! What're you doing here?"

Tony came out from behind the wall and revealed a device in his hand.

"What's that?" America asked.

In response, the extraterrestrial zapped the southern twin with the device.

"WAAAAH! GHOST! GO AWAY! IGGGGGYYYY! HELP ME! I NEED ICE CREAM! GO AWAY GHOST GO AWAY DON'T HURT MEEEEEEEEE!"

Canada's face: O.e

"So it was YOU all along!" he shouted at Tony. (Yes, he actually shouted. Not whisper-shouted, actually properly _shouted_. Getting forgotten for hundreds of years will make you _really_ angry if someone else intentionally makes your brother forget you. Again. Even if you are one of the most quiet and peaceful Hetalia countries. Anyways. Back to the main story...)

Tony snickered some more. Canada fumed.

"KUMAJIKO! GET HIM!" he shrieked.

"Who?"

"Canada!"

"... Who?"

Canada's face: e.e

"GAH! YOU STUPID ALIEN! GIVE BACK KUMA AND MY BROTHER, OR SO HELP ME, I WILL CHANNEL THE possibly not mine BURNING OF WASHINGTON that may have just been England by I take credit anyways because I might have been part of it but maybe not-"

"Hey. Matt. You're getting off topic," America stage whispered from where he was "forgetting" Canada for the readers' pleasure.

"Oh. Sorry. Ahem. OR SO HELP ME, I WILL CHANNEL THE RAGE I FELT WHEN I BURNED WASHINGTON ON YOU!"

Tony flinched. Then he snickered again. Then he threw the device at Canada and ran away.

For a second, the thought of chasing after Tony passed through Canada's mind.

Then he realized that he had the memory controller in his hand.

Then he realized that he didn't know alien languages, even if he did know all the major languages spoken on Earth. (Hundred-year lifespan = lots of time to learn new things)

Then he realized that he should have chased after Tony.

Then he realized that Tony was much too far away to find anymore.

Then he threw the thing at America in a fit of rage.

Then both America and Kumajirou woke up.

"... I'm hungry. Feed me, what's-your-name."

"I'm Canada."

"Feed me, Canada."

"You just ate a fish."

"No I didn't."

"No he didn't," America concurred. "I was here the whole time, Kuma never had a fish."

Canada let out a frustrated scream-growl-thing. Like this: GGGGGGWWWLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!

"I HATE ALIENS!"

* * *

Author's Note: So yeah. Joy.

The War of 1812 thing is a legit argument. Though the British definitely did NOT sail from Canada down to Washington to burn it, it remains a debate as to whether or not there were colonists from Canada in the force sent. Personally, I think the answer is no, since there I remember reading somewhere that the British forces were sent to the Americas after some fight with Spain or something. However, I also think it's too deeply engrained in the Canadian subconscious to actively deny their involvement in the event. And plus, it was, what, 200 years ago exactly? Too much time for things to be pinpointed with accuracy. Maybe there were Canadians in the British group fighting Spain. NO ONE KNOWS! (Well, someone probably knows, somewhere. But they're either dead or not sharing, or just really REALLY bad at sharing information...)

Basically, the answer to the question "Did Canada burn Washington?" is "Maybe."

I know, it's sad. But meh. No one cares. NO ONE CARES! SO STOP ARGUING ABOUT IT, PEOPLES!

And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, ignore me, please. :)

Also, why wouldn't Tony have memory wiping and restoring technology? XD (Abrupt subject change is abrupt...)

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 19: Chapter 19**

* * *

Author's Note: Long time no see! Hope you've been doing well, and (if you're on the east coast of North America) enjoying the snow!

So, I wanted to do a Cardverse thing... and here it is!

Enjoy!

* * *

"HAHAHA! I'M THE KING! HAHAHA! AND IGGY'S MY QUEEN!"

"Alfred?"

"YEAH MATTIE?"

"Shut up.

* * *

Chapter 19: In which our favorite North Americans get thrown into Cardverse and stuff happens.

Wheeee~!

* * *

"Aw..." America pouted, adjusting his tie. "C'mon, Mattie, don't you think it's funny?"

"No."

"But IGGY's the queen! IGGY! The great and powerful BRITISH EMPIRE!"

"Go away, Alfred."

"Matt...!" America whined. "Come on, this new 'Cardverse' thing is interesting! You could at least be a bit more enthusiastic!"

Canada huffed. "I swear, this is all a ploy to satisfy rabid USUK fangirls!"

Then his eyes widened as he realized what he had just said. "Crap."

And the fourth wall shattered into a million shards.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH~!" squealed the hordes upon hordes of USUK fangirls that poured through the breach.

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed America as he was carried away by a sea of hands.

"HE'S SO ADORABLE OMG WE NEED TO GET ENGLAND HERE UWAAAAH THEY'LL BE SO CUTE MUST HAVE YAOI HE'S MINE MINE MINE MINE-"

"MATTIE THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" America yelled as some fangirls began to tear away his clothes while others carried in a struggling England.

All movement stopped.

Thousands of pairs of eyes turned toward the normally invisible northern nation.

Then-

"SQUEEEEEE~!"

And part of the swarm detached itself and started attacking Canada.

"Maple!" he whimpered, suddenly going back to his normal passive-aggressive behavior.

"OMG GET PRUSSIA MORE YAOI!"

"YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

And thus, Prussia was dragged into the fray.

Except...

"NO NO NO CANADA BELONGS WITH FRANCE! FRANADA ALL THE WAY!"

France got thrown in.

"NO, PRUCAN!"

"NO, FRANADA!"

The fourth wall cracked open some more.

"FRUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKK!" screamed the newly arrived FrUK fangirls.

"USUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKK!" screamed the original USUK fangirls.

Canada sweatdropped as suddenly, the attention left him.

"NO NO NO NO NO!" screamed some of the fangirls. "AMERICA BELONGS WITH CANADA!"

"Maple..." Attention had once again shifted back to him.

"NO NO NO! AMERICA BELONGS WITH RUSSIA!"

Russia was thrown in.

"NO RUSSIA BELONGS WITH CHINA!"

China too.

"NOOOOOO! RUSSIA BELONGS WITH PRUSSIA!"

"NO PRUSSIA BELONGS WITH AUSTRIA!"

Austria, playing Chopin, was wheeled in with his piano.

"NO NOT AUSTRIA, HUNGARY!"

Hungary's frying pan seemed to have no effect on the raging shipping wars.

"NO PRUSSIA BELONGS WITH HUNGARY!"

"NO! PRUSSIA AND ROMANO!"

Romano, cursing his brains out.

"NO, ITALY AND ROMANO!"

Italy, frantically waving his white flag.

"NO NO NO! SPAIN AND ROMANO! SPAMANO FOR THE WIN!"

Spain, covered in turtles.

"AND ITALY BELONGS WITH GERMANY!"

Germany: "EVERYONE SHUT UP!"

Everyone shut up and looked at Germany, whose hair was in a mess, as the nation calmly set Italy back on his feet and helped Japan up.

"Now, the only established pairing in Hetalia is Chibitalia and Holy Roman Empire, and onesided ones like Belarus and Russia and Sweden and Finland. Understand?"

The fangirls nodded.

"Gut. Now, you shall be leaving us. We have work to do, and this new 'Cardverse' has placed even more responsibilities on us. We do not need your disruption."

The fangirls filed out.

With a wave of his wand, England sealed up the hole.

The Nations looked at each other.

"Since we're about all here," America suddenly suggested, "we might as well have a meeting of the suits!"

Canada looked around. Sure enough, they were almost all there: America, England, and China for Spades; Germany, Japan, and Italy for Hearts; Russia, Hungary, and Austria for Clubs; France for Diamonds; Prussia for the Jokers.

"We still need Liechtenstein, Switzerland, and Sealand," he said.

"There they are!"

Sure enough, in bounced Sealand, tugging on Liechtenstein's hand, with Switzerland following close behind.

"And that's all of us," England announced.

America frowned. "Wait... you mean Mattie doesn't get to do anything?"

Canada's eye twitched. "Yes, Alfred. I thought you knew that."

"Aww! That's not fair! I don't like this anymore!"

And with that, America threw his spade-decorated crown on the ground and stormed off in a huff.

Canada sighed. "I'll get him..."

And he went off in search of his brother.

* * *

Author's Note: Um, yeah. That derailed REALLY quickly... I don't even...

*sigh*

Anyways. Yay, shipping wars! Now, I'm not saying all shippers are crazy and obsessed like the ones depicted here, but... honestly, there are some VERY SCARY shippers out there... o_O

Hope you liked it! :)

* * *

**Chapter 20: Chapter 20**

* * *

Author's Note: The Olympics are pissing me off. Freaking Olympics, deciding to NOT ONLY PUT CANADA AGAINST AMERICA IN THE MEN'S HOCKEY SEMIFINALS BUT ALSO SWEDEN AGAINST FINLAND AND NO YOU DON'T DO THAT BECAUSE HETALIA FANGIRLS WILL GET MAD!

So I must write a story about it. Yep yep. Plot bunnies are wonderful, aren't they?

Guest appearances from Sweden and Finland! :D

I apologize in advance for my fail writing of hockey games. I'm not a hockey person, and I'm too lazy too look up the rules and stuff. I assume the 2nd period is pretty early on in the game, but I actually have no idea... yeah. *cough*Asian-American*cough* :)

Oh, yeah, and I feel like I should tell you that Obama bet Harper (the US president and the Canadian prime minister, if you weren't sure) a case of beer that the US men would win against Canada even though the women lost.

* * *

"You. Are. Going. DOWN!"

"Ha! We'll see about that!"

"I WILL GET THE BEER FOR MY BOSS!"

"I WON'T LET MY BOSS LOSE THE BET!"

"WHIUOEHDBVSDJIOASH!"

* * *

**Chapter 20: In which the Olympics are not good for North American relations.  
**

**Also, Sochi Winter Olympics = technical difficulties and messed up thingies galore~!  
**

* * *

"Uh... Su-san... what exactly are they doing...?"

"N' id'a."

Sweden and Finland stood in a corner of the locker room as the battle raged on before them.

"THE MEDAL IS MINE!"

"NO, IT'S MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"Uh... America, Canada... Can you please leave?"

"Huh?" Both North American twins turned toward a nervous Finland and a stoic Sweden.

"H' 'sked y'u t' leave."

"Why?"

"Uh... Because our teams need to use the facilities? Your game isn't until 21:00... That's more than 5 hours away..."

Canada facepalmed. "AMERICA! I TOLD YOU TO CHECK THE TIME!"

"I'M SORRY, GEEZ! I DON'T DO 24 HOUR TIMES!"

"IT'S JUST SUBTRACTING 12!"

"WELL SORRY FOR BEING EXCITED!"

And thus, the previous fight continued.

Both Sweden and Finland sweatdropped.

"D' y'u kn'w 'f th're's an'ther locker room w' c'n use?"

Finland sighed. "We can go ask Russia..."

And so the two much calmer, _much_ more mature Scandinavian nations left the younger North Americans and proceeded to go locate Russia.

* * *

"Good game, Su-san!"

"Hn."

Finland smiled as he shook Sweden's hand, though both could tell that he was inwardly disappointed. However, they tried to pretend that nothing had happened.

The North Americans, on the other hand...

"FIGHT HIM!" Canada yelled toward Finland, using a conveniently placed America as a pedestal to elevate himself with.

"GET OFF ME!"

"FIGHT! FIG- WAH!" Canada toppled to the ground as America gave him a good hard shove.

"DUDE YOU WERE SQUASHING ME!"

Canada ignored him, continuing to try to get Finland to attack Sweden.

The Nordics sweatdropped again.

"Uh... Let's leave now..."

"Agr''d."

* * *

And then, it was time. The atmosphere, charged with almost tangible electricity, crackled between the two brothers as they sat right next to each other, but behaved as if they were oceans apart.

They were, surprisingly, silent as the game progressed, as if they were caught in their own world, away from all the fans and the noises and the stadium and the reality surrounding them. Quiet, burning eyes traced the path of the puck with trained precision, instinctively knowing where it would end up, even when a mass of bodies blocked it from their view.

Then the first (and only) point was scored. A wicked grin appeared on the northern nation's face, while the southern wilted just a tad. But still the were silent, the tension mounting as the game pushed into the next quarter, then the final...

And suddenly, it was over.

The spell that had enveloped the North Americans in its grip had broken.

"I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO!"

Canada leapt up and started gesturing wildly while America sank to his knees in a dramatic melting motion.

Canada's eyes gleamed with unbridled glee. "SEE AMERICA? SEE?!"

America started sobbing. Again, dramatically. This caused Canada's little Canadian heart to start working overtime, and compassion flooded out of him.

"Oh... I'm sorry! There's always next time!"

America sniffled a bit (and Canada ignored the little voice deep in his mind that TOLD him his brother was faking it. Now, why in the WORLD would he be faking it? It's not as if America was the home of Hollywood, the world's largest movie industry!) and looked up hopefully. "Y-Yeah! Yeah, I'll do better next time!"

Thus reassured, Canada went back into gloating mode. "I'LL DESTROY YOU! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA~!"

And the fight that had went on a brief hiatus during the actual game continued as if it had never stopped.

Sweden and Finland, who had come to scope out the competition and find out who they would be playing against in the final medal games, sweatdropped.

"Do we really have to go up against them...?" Finland said uncomfortably.

"Hn. We'll m'ke 't thr'gh s'meh'w."

"Yeah... I'm not so sure..."

* * *

Author's Note: I fail at writing sports... *droop* And somehow Sweden and Finland turned into comparisons for America and Canada... I dunno.

And yes, I reference many things. One was a fanart, where America is crying, Canada reassures him, America gets happy again, and Canada gets a Russia creepy face and thinks "I'll DESTROY YOU." The other is a recent strip Himaruya posted, called something along the lines of "Denmark and Sweden's Friendly Relations".

Oh, Finland, how wrong you were... You totally crushed America in your game! It wasn't even funny... Just sad... :/

So... yeah... Can I just say here that I don't understand the system for determining medals? I mean, shouldn't it be a system where each team plays each of the other teams, and whoever's got the most wins at the end wins the entire thing? 'Cause I feel like the current system could screw it up...

Like, for example, let's say that, assuming each team plays at their best, the, uh, Latvian team is the strongest, followed by the Estonian team, followed by the Lithuanian team, followed by the Polish team (sorry Poland!). But in the semifinals, Latvia is against Estonia and Lithuania is against Poland. Estonia and Poland lose their respective games, and get paired for the bronze game while Latvia and Lithuania are paired for the gold game. Latvia gets gold, Lithuania silver, Estonia bronze, Poland doesn't medal. The problem is, Estonia is actually stronger than Lithuania, but placed lower. See the problem? I mean, unless there's some system I don't know about that's used to try to prevent things like this... :/

* * *

**Chapter 21: Chapter 21**

* * *

Author's Note: I was derping around on Wikipedia, and I came across a page called "Axis of Evil", which, apparently, was a term used by Bush (Junior, I think) (the former President of the US) to refer to North Korea, Iran, Iraq, and "their terrorist allies". (So no, not the WWII Axis. Sorry. :P)

And then, Wikipedia being Wikipedia, it goes on to list a bunch of the spinoff versions of the phrase.

One of which is the "Axis of Environmental Evil", which refers to... Australia, Canada, and the US. Because apparently there's a lack of support for international environmental treaties, especially ones having to do with climate change, from those countries.

Seriously? I mean, maybe it's just me, but I feel like countries like, you know, CHINA *cough*smog*cough*, have more environmental treaty support problems than the US! (And I'm allowed to say that, because I'm Chinese-American!)

Uh-huh, yeah, sure, pick on the poor little (OK, maybe not so little... the second, third/fourth [see bottom A/N], and sixth largest nations in the world aren't really all that small... :/) settler nations with basically no indigenous culture to speak of besides that borrowed or evolved from other places. Yeah. You just keep doing that while we become the most powerful nations in the world. Yep yep. :)

... Except the Canadian Green Party was one of these environmental groups that said that, so... :/

CANADA DON'T BE MEAN TO YOURSELF!

Anyway. Guest appearances of Australia and other random countries used as plot devices (LOL, what plot? XD)

* * *

"Hmph."

"..."

"..."

"... Dude, what's up with Austria today?"

"I have no idea..."

"... Hmph."

"Austria, what are you- WAIT AUSTRALIA NO!"

CRASH!

"Oh. Crap."

* * *

Chapter 21: In which America, Canada, and Australia destroy "the environment".

Because they can. NO ONE CAN STOP ENGLAND'S YOUNGER BROTHERS MWAHAHAHAHA- *hack* *hack* *cough* *cough*

* * *

America and Canada stared dumbly at the wreckage a certain Australian had caused in Austria's garden.

Said Austrian spluttered indignantly at the mud and dirt and pottery shards scattered across the space. His plants were slowly dying.

"Um... Sorry, mate?" the culprit tried.

Sounds of the approaching Hungarian army drifted in on the breeze.

America broke into a laugh. "DUDE! RUN!"

The American thus pulled his Canadian twin and his Australian brother/cousin/relation/something-or-the-other UP UP AND AWAY!

(Actually, they ran toward Switzerland. Except Switzerland's bullets blew them off their feet and halfway across Europe. But it was OK, because nation skin, which is exactly the same as human skin, can deflect bullets. Logic _that_. *smug smile*)

When they landed, the three were surprised to find themselves in Poland.

Poland just stared back at them.

"You guys just, like, totally flew into my country! I gotta tell Liet!"

Poland ran off.

"Well... since we're here... Wanna destroy some trees?" Australia offered.

"Yeah!" America ran to follow Australia. Both had, apparently, forgotten about Canada.

"Guys... I don't think this is a good idea... eh..." Canada said quietly. Of course.

Then a tiny voice from inside him rang out. _Are you going to let those two upstage you again? Eh? EH?! SHOW THEM WHAT CANADA IS MADE OF!_

Canada smirked. "YES!"

And thus he, too, ran off to destroy some of Poland's forests.

* * *

"MY PINK TREES!" Poland wailed as Lithuania sweatdropped beside him.

"It's your own fault for leaving your country in the hands of those three."

"Like you're doing right now?"

Lithuania paled. "... Crap..."

* * *

SMASH!

"WAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS SO MUCH FUN!" (This came from America, in case you weren't aware.)

By now, the three had moved on from Lithuania to Germany.

As you can probably guess, the German nation was NOT pleased.

"AMERIKA! KANADA! AUSTRALIEN! ZERSTÖRT SIE MEIN BÄUME!"

Prussia popped up at that moment. "Kesesesese... You are SOO screwed."

"EAST! HELP ME DESTROY THESE DUMMKOPFS BIS SIE STAUB!"

"Jawohl!" Prussia said, saluting his younger sibling with a smirk.

"TIME TO RUN~!" Australia sang out.

And the three ran.

* * *

"So... where to next?" Canada asked after they had successfully lost the German brothers. Not that losing them was any consolation. Next world meeting... But that's a different story.

"Hmm... Are we in China?"

"Hai," said a randomly appearing Japan. "This is China."

Identical evil gleams appeared in each of the three young nations' eyes.

"That means-" America began.

"-that we don't need to destroy trees-" Canada continued.

"-WE CAN DESTROY BAMBOO!" Australia finished off. And thus the three ran off, leaving Japan in the dust.

Well, not really.

"AIYAAA MY BAMBOO! YOU ARE KILLING PANDAS, ARU!" China screamed, hitting Australia over the head with his Shinatty doll.

"Killing... pandas?" Hong Kong, still with a completely calm expression, whipped out nunchucks and proceeded to start whaling on America.

"NOOOO! I MUST PROTECT ALL THAT IS KAWAII! AND PANDAS ARE KAWAII!" Japan yelled as he jumped into the fray, katana whirling.

"Hey, Taiwan, that looks fun!" South Korea and Taiwan had appeared. "Let's protect Aniki's breasts!"

Taiwan sweatdropped. "He doesn't have breasts," she said while Japan and China simultaneously let out roars of rage at South Korea.

Regardless, the other two Asians joined in as well.

The three young Western nations were holding out surprisingly well against the older Eastern ones.

That is, until England showed up.

"JAPAN! I HAVE COME TO ASSIST YOU!"

"Ah... Arigato, Igirisu-san."

"HAHAHA IGGY!"

"SHUT UP AMERICA!"

"Ohonhonhon... I sense sexual tension..."

"SHUT UP FROG!"

"Oh, bonjour France."

"Ah, Canada!"

"Mattie! Focus!"

"Right."

"AAARGH!" This came from England, who somehow managed to whip out and put on his black cloak while drawing a perfect pentagram on the ground of a Chinese bamboo forest all in the space of half a second.

"Now, for my spell!"

As England began chanting, everyone backed away slowly.

"Angleterre... I don't think this is a particularly good idea..."

"England-san, please stop..."

"Stop it, ahen!"

But England ignored them all. "-buizara DAK!"

WOOSH! went the magic.

Everyone shielded their eyes.

When they opened them again, the found a disturbingly adorable sight.

America, Canada, and Australia had been turned back to their colonial size.

"AWWWWW!" went everyone except England.

"Huh?" America sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Engwand?"

"SQUEE!" Taiwan... well, squeed. She rushed over and picked a squirming Chibi-America up, bringing him over to Hong Kong and South Korea. "SO CUTE~!"

"Me twoo! Me twooo!" Chibi-Australia whined. He was quickly scooped up by China and Japan.

Chibi-Canada drooped slightly.

"Aw, don't worry, Canada, big brother France has got you." France smiled gently and gave his little brother a big hug, which Canada returned happily.

Then the French nation glared at England. "You better turn them back, Angleterre."

"Ufufufufu... and send me back to my home, da?"

"WAAAH RUSSIA HOW DID YOU GET THERE?"

"You summoned me."

England threw his arms in the air, gave up, turned into a flying unicorn, and flew away amidst bursts of rainbows and sparkles.

Everyone except Russia sweatdropped.

What was the Russian doing, you ask?

Well...

"Is this Kanada? And Amerika! Oh, and little Avstraliya! How cute! Hn~!"

Everyone sweatdropped again.

* * *

Author's Note: Don't ask. Just... don't. *hides in corner*

Translations:

AMERIKA! KANADA! AUSTRALIEN! ZERSTÖRT SIE MEIN BÄUME! - AMERICA! CANADA! AUSTRALIA! YOU DESTROYED MY TREES! (German)

[...] BIS SIE STAUB! - [...] UNTIL THEY ARE DUST! (German)

Jawohl! - Yes, sir! (German)

And... I don't really think I have to translate anything else. You can figure it out, right? :)

So. About the third/fourth largest country thing: Basically, most of the world is biased toward America, and, in this case, against China. Like, if you go look on the UN site or the CIA world factbook or wherever you look for country size info, they usually calculate country size by total land area+total inland water area. The problem is, with the US, most of them include territorial waters for some strange reason that's completely beyond me. So the US ends up having more area than China because of the ocean. WHICH IS TOTALLY UNFAIR! If you get rid of the territorial ocean area, China's larger! Even when you just assume disputed territories like Taiwan and that place next to India, and the special administrative regions of Hong Kong and Macau aren't included in the area calculation. THE TOP TEN COUNTRIES BY SIZE LIST SHOULD BE RUSSIA, CANADA, **_CHINA_** , ** _AMERICA_** , BRAZIL, AUSTRALIA, INDIA, ARGENTINA, KAZAKHSTAN, AND ALGERIA!

... Ahem. I'm done ranting.

Hope you liked it~! :D

* * *

**Chapter 22: Chapter 22**

* * *

Author's Note: So. I thought of this one morning while... taking a shower. Yeah, don't ask.

Apologies for any historical inaccuracies. I suck at US history, and I know basically nothing about Canadian history, so. :)

* * *

"He's MY little brother!"

"Non, he's MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

"MINE!"

...

"HAH! HE PICKED ME, FROG!"

"FINE, I'LL JUST TAKE HIS BROTHER!"

"... Brother?"

* * *

Chapter 22: In which we take a whirlwind journey through North American history.

Well, American and Canadian history, at least.

* * *

In the beginning, there were no white people.

Thus, there was no America, and no Canada.

Then, an Italian dude sailing for Spain "discovered" the "New World", setting various nations such as England, France, Spain, Portugal, Netherlands, Sweden, et cetera, et cetera, on colonization journeys across the Atlantic.

One day, Finland found an adorable little child.

Soon, England and France were fighting over him.

England won. The child was to become the thirteen colonies of Britain.

Meanwhile, France was all "Ohonhonhon I must also have a chunk of this New World!"

Thus, he claimed New France. (Oh, and Spain was like "SOUTHERN AREAS ARE MINE!", but no one cares about Spain. :P)

So anyways, Thirteen Colonies and New France were all "Happily being colonies whee!"

Then France and England went to war. Again.

Thus, New France and Thirteen Colonies, the adorable little twin brothers who were barely out of their infancy, were pitted against each other.

"I DUN WANNA FIGHT MATTIE! LET GO ENGWAND!"

"NOOOOON FRAAAAAANCE! WAAAAH!"

But it was no use. Sissy fight: Initiated.

Eventually the war was resolved. England won.

"HA! Now you have to choose between keeping New France, or keeping your sugar producing Carribean colonies!"

"... I'll keep my Carribean colonies..."

And that was how New France came under British control.

So, England brought little, adorable Canada (or whatever his proper name was during this period) to visit little, adorable Thirteen Colonies.

Thirteen Colonies was, at first, shocked to find that Canada had the same face as him. Then he promptly forgot about him and demanded food.

So that was that.

About 10-15 years later, England was broke. Because he had gone to war too often with France. (Ohonhonhon~! Angleterre was- SHUT UP FROG!)

Anyways, England was like: "Colonies exist to serve the motherland, so have some taxes~!"

And then Thirteen Colonies (who by now was relatively grown up) was like "NOOOOOOO I HATE YOU ENGLAND!"

And Canada (who was also relatively grown up) was kinda "..."

But no one really cares about that right now, because the interesting stuff was happening in the south.

So anyways, Thirteen Colonies decided "I AM INDEPENDENT!" and started calling himself the United States of America.

England was all "Shut up, you're still Thirteen Colonies."

America was all "I'm AMERICA!"

Sissy fight: INITIATED.

So eventually, after a REALLY REALLY SAD scene on a rainy day, America won his independence. With the help of France. (OHONHONHON- SHUT UP FROG!) And some of the other nations who hated England.

So, then Canada was British North America. But we're still calling him Canada.

After a short interval, America decided he was pissed at England, again, and promptly declared war on him and pushed poor Canada.

Canada got up, got pissed, and shoved America back.

Stuff got burned, Canada cried, America cried, England got frustrated because he was fighting France (AGAIN) and America was being a nuisance, yada yada yada.

So then the war ended, and people were like "Who won?" "I dunno."

So Canada was like "I WON~! HAPPY~!"

And America was like "NO, I WON!"

And England was like "What War of 1812?" because he promptly forgot about it.

And the Native Americans/American Indians/First Nations/WHATEVER THE POLITICALLY CORRECT TERM IS were like "WHY?!" because they got the short end of the stick in the war and kinda lost a lot of stuff. So there was a loser, but no clear winner.

So then everyone was all lovey dovey for a while, and America gained some land, and Canada gained some land, although technically it was England who gained land and made it "Canada".

Then America went through a phase where he had bipolar disorder because his people were fighting a war with each other. Then it got better because the North won the war.

Then Canada decided to ask England for independence.

"England, can I be independent?"

"Hmm? Oh, sure."

So then Canada became the Dominion of Canada. But we're still calling him Canada.

Anyways. More stuff happened, more land was gained, America had some fun doing weird things, Canada was a good little Dominion, yada yada yada.

(Oh, and sometime during this time period Manitoba went from cute-little-squarish-province to HOLY-BLEEP-WHAT-HAPPENED-THAT'S-A-HUGE-HALF-RECTANGULAR-ISH-PROVINCE!)

Then some Serbians went batshit crazy in the powderkeg of Europe and decided to assassinate Austria's boss-in-training.

So Austria declared war on Serbia. So Russia declared war on Austria. And Germany, because they didn't have any plans for a war against just Austria, only Austria and Germany. And then England and France declared war on Austria and Germany. And they dragged their colonies/dominions/other protectorates into it.

So poor Canada went off to war.

And America was like "LOL NOPE~!"

But anyways.

Canada fought really, REALLY hard. Also, Australia got pummeled by Turkey (or, well, the Ottoman Empire). But that's another story.

Then the war was almost over, and America was like "Germany's pissing me off. Let's declare war on him."

So then America joined the war, and poured a bunch of soldiers into Europe. Then the war ended.

Then everyone decided to punish Germany really harshly. So Germany resorted to making cuckoo clocks for a living.

Oh, and America went back to being isolationist, and Canada went back to being a good little Dominion. After having the moment of glory that was Vimy, of course.

Then the Great Depression happened. Everyone blamed America. Times were bad. Hitler rose to power. Russia went through a bunch of revolution and became Soviet Union (along with his sisters and some other nations, but bleh.)

Germany went batshit crazy and annexed Austria and did a bunch of other weird things. Then he invaded Poland on an agreement with Soviet Union to split the crossdressing country in half. So England and France declared war on him.

And Canada was like "I WILL MAKE MY OWN DECISIONS THIS TIME!" and declared war a couple of hours after England did. On Germany.

And America was like "LOL NOPE~!"

Again.

So Canada fought his hardest, Italy and Japan declared war sometime soon after Germany did, the Soviet Union changed sides, more countries were occupied, et cetera, et cetera...

Then Japan was like "LET'S DROP BOMBS ON AMERICA! :D"

And America was like "I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS! I DECLARE WAR ON YOU!"

And so America joined the war.

So after some more fighting, half of Italy switches sides. Then Italy falls. Then Germany falls. Then Japan and America kinda duke it out in the Pacific, and America manages to critically injure Japan.

And so Japan surrenders.

And then WWII is done with.

So then almost immediately Japan and America become friends again, some more time passes, Canada loses the "Dominion of" in front of his name somewhere along the way and becomes a proper nation-nation, America and Soviet Union have a Cold War, during which Canada's just kinda in the middle like "This is really awkward... STOP AIMING NUCLEAR WEAPONS AT EACH OTHER OVER MY HEAD!"

And America's like "LOL NOPE~!"

And Soviet Union's like "LOL NYET~!"

Then Soviet Union falls, and he's back to being Russia.

Oh, and America and Canada become really, really REALLY _REALLY_ close sometime during this. Not that they weren't before, they just have a trade thingy going on now.

So some nice years pass where everything's fine and dandy, some small crises occur, but nothing too major, America gets involved in wars he shouldn't be involved in, Canada is just kinda dragged along by America and England, regardless of his own wishes, even though most of the time he wishes for the same things, and North Americans prosper.

And VOILA, PRESENT DAY!

**THE END**

* * *

Author's Note: Crash course on North American history. Very fun, very joyful.

Apologies, again, for any errors. Feel free to correct me on anything that seems glaringly erroneous. If it's only slightly off, though, it might be intentional. But still, you can correct me if you want.

Hope you liked it~! :D

* * *

**Chapter 23: Chapter 23**

* * *

Author's Note: Bagged milk. That is all.

:P

* * *

"It's... It's so jiggly..."

"Um... Al?"

"It... Heehee... It jiggles... IT JIGGLES!"

"Al... Are you-"

"MATT LOOK IT'S LIKE JELL-O IT JIGGLES BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Um..."

* * *

Chapter 23: Bagged milk alliance, or rather, conspiracy.

You _know_ you want to know. :P

* * *

"DID YOU KNOW THAT JELL-O GIVES OFF BRAIN WAVES? OOH, I WONDER IF BAGGED MILK DOES TOO!" America's eyes lit up with glee.

"Al... We're in the middle of a world meeting..."

"LET'S GO GET AN MRI MACHINE!"

"America, no!"

Too late.

America jumped up and started to wave his arms around manically, pissing an already kind of pissed Germany off.

"AMERIKA! SIT DOWN THIS INSTANT!"

"But Germany! We have to scan this milk in an MRI machine!"

"... Milk...?"

"Ve, America? Do you need some medicine? Or pasta?" Italy asked fearfully.

"No, I need an MRI machine. Do you have one?"

"Ah! No! I SURRENDER! DOITSUUUUUU!"

"It's all your fault, Frog!"

"QUOI? I did not do anything!"

"Kolkolkol... everyone will become one with Russia, da?"

"AIYAAAAAAA!" China suddenly yelled, making everyone in the room jump. "Really, America, it is not that uncommon, aru."

America looked at him quizzically. "What?"

"Bagged milk. I have it at my house."

Canada sighed in relief. "See, I told you-"

"Da," Russia cut in. "I have it too."

America's eye twitched. "You... you... YOU TWO HAVE BAGGED MILK?!"

"Da," was Russia's simple reply.

"Yes, America, we do," China sighed. "Although we do not use such large, flimsy plastic bags."

Canada raised an eyebrow. "Then what do you use?"

"Sometime we bag in plastic, but in smaller portions. And sometimes we just use thicker paper bags, kind of like juice box material, aru."

"Ah. That makes sense." Canada nodded to himself.

During all of this, America was having a mini-seizure. Finally, he exploded.

"MATTIE WHAT HAVE THE COMMIES DONE TO YOU?! IT'S A BAGGED MILK CONSPIRACY!"

"... What...?"

"NOOO DON'T LET THEM CORRUPT YOU MATTIE! THE HERO WILL PROTECT YOU!"

And with that, America threw the (Canadian) bag of milk on the ground and stomped on it. Hard.

Milk splattered everywhere.

"Noooo! My, like, ONLY pink suit is ruined!"

"AMERICA YOU BLOODY IDIOT!"

"Your milk has gotten between me and brother... marry me, brother..."

"... Bastards..."

"NOOO! MY AWESOMENESS!"

"EVERYBODY SHUT UP!" Germany finally yelled.

Everyone shut up.

"America, you're staying behind to clean this up. Canada, China, Russia, as you also helped cause this fiasco, you will stay behind too. Everyone else, we will reconvene when these four are done."

And so the rest of the nations filed out. Well, Belarus was dragged out by a crying Ukraine. And England and France were fighting the entire time. And Lithuania was comforting a distressed Poland. And Latvia was shivering so much he had to lean on both Estonia and Sealand. And Italy was jabbering about pasta to Romano and Spain. And... well, you get the point.

The four remaining nations set out to clean the room. All the while, America placed himself between Canada and the two communist/post communist nations, periodically glaring at them.

Canada sighed as he mopped up a puddle. _I knew I shouldn't have let America in my fridge before a meeting..._

* * *

Author's Note: This is my take on the "Canada has bagged milk!" thing. Because I saw on the internet that Russia does too, and I know for a fact that almost all of China's milk comes in bags (because I've been there a LOT. Like, 7 or 8 times).

But yeah. It's amusing to see people freaked out about milk in bags.

Although Canadian bagged milk is slightly weird... you need a freaking pitcher! I thought putting it in bags was supposed to be CONVENIENT?

Oh, and Jell-O really does give off waves that look like human brainwaves if you scan it under an MRI. The things you learn at Quizbowl competitions... XD

Hope you liked it~!

* * *

**Chapter 24: Chapter 24**

* * *

Author's Note: This time around: colorful money.

Need I say more? XD

* * *

"Mattie!"

"Yeah?"

"Gimme some money!"

"... Why...?"

"'Cause! Just do it please!"

"Al, you have to get your boss to contact my boss if you need a loa-"

"No, not a loan! Give me a dollar!"

"Um... OK. Here. Good thing I keep an emergency stash of your money with me."

"No, not a US dollar! Canadian money!"

* * *

Chapter 24: In which America freaks out about the colorful money conspiracy.

Poor thing, the entire world's against him. XD

* * *

"Why would you need my money?" Canada asked in exasperation as he took back the 20 dollar bill he had handed America and fished out one of his own twenties.

"Because!" America jumped up and down excitedly as he snatched the currency from his brother's hand. "It's so COLORFUL!"

Then he frowned. "Wait, this is green."

"Um, yes."

"Ew. That's boring." America threw the note on the ground.

"Hey! America! If you don't want it, just give it back like a normal person would!" Canada complained as he bent down to pick it up. That was when America snatched his wallet from his pocket.

"Hey, give that ba-"

Too late.

America had taken out all of Canada's money and had proceeded to throw it high in the air, laughing as it rained down around them.

"COLORS EVERYWHERE! RAAAAAIIIINNNNBBBBBOOOOOOOOWWWW~!" he sang.

Canada facepalmed. "You're cleaning that up. And besides, basically everyone in the world but you has colorful money."

That last sentence stopped America dead.

"... What did you say?"

"Uh... everyone nation has colorful money besides you?" Canada was starting to doubt his brother's sanity.

"..."

"... Al?"

"..."

Suddenly, America broke down into sobs and started shrieking hysterically at the same time.

"WHY CAN'T I *sob* HAVE COLORFUL MONEY *sob* MATTIE THEY'RE GOING TO *sob* MAKE YOU LIKE THEM *sob* DON'T GO OVER *sob* TO THE DARK SIDE! *sob* *sob* EVEN IF THEY DO *sob* HAVE COOKIES! NO *sob* ESPECIALLY IF THEY HAVE *sob* COOKIES! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT NETHERLANDS HAS PUT IN HIS *sob* COOKIES!"

The superpower grabbed his northern neighbor by the shoulders, shaking the poor thing until his head spun. "PROMISE ME YOU WON'T GO OVER TO THE DARK SIDE!"

"Gah! Get off, Alfred!"

"NO! I MUST SAVE YOU FROM THE COLORFUL MONEY CONSPIRACY! I KNEW THERE WAS SOMETHING FISHY ABOUT HOW CLOSE YOU ARE TO ENGLAND AND FRANCE AND THAT COMMIE BASTARD AND ALL THOSE EUROPEANS!"

"You're just as close to Japan and the EU-"

"I WILL PROTECT YOU, MATTIE! DON'T WORRY, THE HERO IS HERE!"

And that is how Canada, the second largest country in the world, got abducted by his twin brother for a day.

And also why said brother glared at everyone at the next world meeting and didn't say anything. Which caused widespread panic, because usually America would be spouting off his crazy ideas and a world meeting without crazy ideas just didn't seem _right_ and everyone started wondering if America was zombie infested and someone made the mistake of telling the Italies about said possible zombie infestation and they panicked and Italy jumped on Germany and Japan while Romano started cursing everyone and everything in the vicinity, thus taking out the only one who could keep order and one of the few calm nations in the room, and then South Korea started molesting Japan because "ANIKI'S BREASTS ARE MINE, DA-ZE!" and China had to jump in to pull him off the island nation and then Switzerland shot the ceiling but misjudged and caused it to collapse on Ukraine which made both Belarus and Russia go insane, which caused Prussia to jump on Hungary, who smacked him with her frying pan but lost her grip and sent the cooking utensil flying into the crowd to bonk Latvia on the head, causing Sealand to go into mecha mode, which drew in the Nordics (who, excepting Denmark, had been calmly watching the proceedings) and caused Finland to go into Winter War mode and Norway to start chanting a spell, which prompted England and Romania to join in, except because of England's interference, the spell ended up summoning Russia, but that was OK because it made him less mad, so now the only super mad people in the room were Germany, Belarus, Hungary, Sealand, Sweden, Finland, and France, because whenever England did anything France was mad, but then France being mad caused the Francophonie nations to jump to his aid and start whaling on England, which caused the Commonwealth nations to jump to _England's_ aid, which caused Canada to have an existential crisis because he didn't know which side to join and also caused the Eastern bloc nations to group together and build a pillow fort because why not, which caused the Asians to retaliate with their own pillow fort, and by that time, the Francophonie and British Commonwealth had created _their_ own forts, and so the rest of the Europeans _also_ made a fort, and the nations who belonged to more than one of the groups (besides the Commonwealth of Independent States nations, they were cowed into staying in the Eastern bloc fort by Russia, so that fort was relabeled "CIS fort") were like "SCREW THIS" and banned together to created _yet another fort_ (where are they getting all these pillows? :/) and then they had an epic 6-way pillow fort fight.

And through this entire thing, America just sat there and glared.

"Stupid colorful money people..."

* * *

Author's Note: Run-on sentences for the win! :D

So yeah. I'm supposed to be writing an essay on the downfall of communism in Eastern Europe right now. Instead I produce crack fanfiction. *sigh*

Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 25: Chapter 25**

* * *

Author's Note: Time to poke fun at America again! :P

Intro for this chapter:

Fact: In the nation by the name of the United States of America (prepositions, much? XD), the legal drinking age is 21.

Fact: America, the character in Hetalia, is physically 19.

Fact: The legal drinking age in the nation of Canada is 18 or 19, depending on the province.

See where this is going?

* * *

"Matt."

"Oh, hey, it's you. Yeah?"

"I have a very, VERY serious favor to ask of you."

"Uh... go ahead."

"... You have to PROMISE to agree! PLEASE, MATT, IT'S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!"

"Ah! Don't yell! OK, fine, just tell me what it is!"

"I need to go to your place right now!"

"..."

"... Matt?"

"Al... you don't need my help to come here..."

"So is that a yes? YES! I'M THE HERO!"

"Um..."

* * *

Chapter 25: In which America visits Canada and does something he can't do in his own land.

And poor Canada is left to deal with the consequences.

* * *

"KAY! I'LL BE THERE SOON!" And with that, America hung up.

Canada sighed, placing his phone down on the table next to him. Then he jumped.

Someone was banging on the door. VERY LOUDLY.

"Who is it?"

"MATTIE! I'M HERE!"

And with that, America burst through the door. (He's going to have to replace it, don't worry. America and Canada have got this contract worked out about these things, see, 'cause America does it too often. It's kinda like NAFTA, but more... ACDBA. Which stands for American-Canadian Door Breaking Agreement. There's only one clause in it, and that is "Alfred F. Jones, also know as the United States of America, must replace the front door of the home of Matthew Williams, or Canada, when he breaks it down." In fact, that's part of the reason the national debt is so high! :D No actually it's not. Don't believe everything you read on the internet.)

(But anyways.)

"That was fast..." Canada said, jumping back as America tried to glomp him. "Ah! Al! Don't do that!"

"Aw..." America pouted, but immediately brightened up. "C'mon, let's go!"

"Eh?!"

America grabbed Canada's hand and dragged him out the door. "Don't "Eh!" at me! You promised!"

"At least let me get Kumajiki!"

"Who?"

"... Never mind."

"WOOOOOOOOOH!"

Canada facepalmed as he was shoved into the car. (His car, he might add. And on the passenger side.)

"Al, at least let me drive! It's my car!"

"Nope! Besides, Mattie, you don't even know where we're going!"

"Well if you would _tell_ me-!"

"If I told you, then you would know!"

"THAT'S THE POINT!"

"But you can't know!"

"You-! Ugh, you know what, I give up! But you have to buy me 50 boxes of ice cream when we get back!"

"Deal~!"

By this time, they were already onto one of the main roads in town. Heading south.

Canada was currently living near the border.

"Alfred... why are you taking me to your home?"

"Border? What border?"

"OUR border. You know?" Canada pointed at the sign they were about to pass, one that announced "Keep right for border crossing"

"Oh, we're not going there!" And with that, America jerked the steering wheel to the left.

"WAH! ALFRED! BE CAREFUL!"

"IT'S OKEY, I'M AMERICAN!" America mochi announced from the backseat.

Canada mochi extended a flag and slapped the other. Hard.

"Eh."

* * *

America pulled the car, remarkably unharmed, into a parking lot and beamed at his brother.

"See?"

Canada, however, did not see. Instead, he slammed the door open and threw up on the parking space next to them.

"Matt! You OK?"

"Ugh... I can't decide if I'd rather ride with Italy than with you..." Canada remarked, his head held between his knees.

America, however, didn't catch the criticism present in the phrase. "Dude, Italy's driving is awesome! I'd totally ride with him if I were you!"

Canada threw up again.

"Mattie! Did I say something wrong?"

"Just... just... ugh. I'm driving home," Canada finally said with exasperation.

"Great! That means I can get as drunk as I want!"

"Drunk...?"

And that was when Canada realized just what type of establishment the parking lot was built for.

"Alfred... you brought me to a bar?!"

"Yep! Let's go!"

"Why- you know what, never mind. At least it wasn't England..." Canada muttered as America dragged him toward the door.

Oh, how wrong he was.

* * *

The northernmost North American nation would forever regret the fact that he didn't bring someone else along for his superpower brother's binge drinking spree.

"I'm... the... HERO!" America slurred while somehow managing to enunciate as clearly as day. And also accidentally using too much force to place his glass down, causing it to smash into bits.

Canada face-tabled. "Hey, Al, I think if you drank some of my soda-"

CRASH!

Too late. Canada's soda cup had also been destroyed.

Oh, woe is to be the designated driver!

Canada heaved a sigh. "Come on, Al, we're going home."

"But... I'm the HERO! I dun wanna go home! Tony'll do something weird to my liver!"

"He'd probably only be helping you. But we couldn't let Tony to mess with your liver anyways, even if you wanted him to. I left my passport at home."

"But... Matt... nation protocol... says..."

"I know, I know. But you were the one who pulled me out of the house."

"If... Germany finds out..."

"Germany won't."

"Heh... eheheheh... Germany... Deutschland... hehehehe... Italia... so cute..."

"Oh come on, Alfred. Don't tell me that you're secretly a GerIta shipper?"

"Hehehehe... France and _England_... hehehehe... Matt... have you ever noticed France's... voice when he calls England "Angleterre"? Sooo romantic..."

"Oh, now you're a secret FrUK shipper too."

"And... and... AND SPAIN! Spain and Romano... has England ever told you... about the time he stumbled in on Spain molesting Romano... during his pirate years?"

"Al, he was trying to give Romano a bath."

"AND RUSSIA IS SO OBVIOUSLY DOING SOMETHING FISHY WITH CHINA! I KNEW THOSE COMMIES WERE PLOTTING!"

Canada quirked an eyebrow as America punched a hole in the table. "Really."

He noted in amusement that one of the cracks had a vague hammer-and-sickle shape.

"YEAH! AND... and..."

"You love me?"

"Yeah... yeah... I love you... Matt..."

Canada sighed as America finally fell unconscious. "I think that's enough alcohol for you. And possibly internet as well."

Then he slung his twin over his shoulder and ran, since the bartender had called security on them.

* * *

"... Unh..."

"Finally."

"Hunnnhhh...?" America opened his eyes groggily to find his brother staring at him, wry smile on his lips.

"Have a nice sleep?"

"Yeah- OW! Ow ow ow ow ow..."

Canada chuckled. "Karma. Beautiful thing, isn't it?"

America glared. Or, well, he tried to. In reality he made a wincing face because of his pounding hangover. So he settled for whining.

"Maaaaatt!"

"Alright, alright, I'll get you some coffee,"Canada said, getting up. "Don't destroy anything."

America winced again as he remembered the previous night. "Sorry."

"It's OK, I got away in time," Canada replied from the door. "Oh, and by the way? I love you too, brother dear."

"Maaaaatt! We're brothers! Of course I totally love you!"

"Oh, that's gay."

America's pillow hit the closing door as Canada's laughter rang out.

* * *

Author's Note: Yes, America is a secret GerIta, FrUK, Spamano, and RoChu shipper. Because why not. (And before you go all ship-crazy on me, I firmly believe that America would not ship _himself_ with anyone. So I chose the most common, non-America involving ships to use here.)

Also, the "love confession" thing at the end comes from a video by the name of "America's Love Confession to Canada", which can be found here: (youtube) /watch?v=Vx2bq8wstss

Wow, I busted out the mochi really early this time... Eh, whatever. :)

So yeah... Hope you liked it!

* * *

**Chapter 26: Chapter 26**

* * *

Author's Note: As a North American Hetalia fan, I feel obligated to fic around this time because NA bros' birthdays. (What is grammar? XD)

However, I kinda completely forgot that it WAS their birthdays until like an hour ago, so have a weird drabble that makes no sense whatsoever and is not very congratulatory for Al and Mattie's birthdays, anyways.

(read: cracky character death)

Part 2 will be posted... well, I think you know when. :D

* * *

"HAPPY B-DAY BRO!" America yelled, jumping. "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Canada yelled back, whipping a knife out of nowhere and stabbing America in the femur.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" America screamed, picking up a giant cake and hurling it at Canada.

"WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Canada launched Kumajirou at his brother.

"CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" America's blood spewed everywhere as he lobbed sharp pointy objects at Canada.

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Canada's blood did the same as he broke a window with a meat cleaver.

Then somehow both of them were holding scissors.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH SCISSORS!" America yelled.

"SCIIIISSSSSSSOOORSSS!" Canada replied.

"DAH SCISSORS! DAH!"

*stab stab stab*

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Canada screamed once America was lying in a pool of his own blood. "YOU ARE DEAD!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" America threw one last pencil before he died.

The pencil stabbed through Canada's throat, so he died too.

* * *

The End

* * *

Author's Note: Happy Canada Day! :D

* * *

**Chapter 27: Chapter 27**

* * *

Author's Note: As promised, part 2.

Read previous A/N if you desire more info.

* * *

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY AL!"

"WAH!" A revived America screamed as a revived Canada glomped him.

Then they both fell into a pit of spikes.

Luckily no one got hurt.

"Aw dangit Matt! You made us fall into a pit!"

"Hey look there's a knife!"

They looked at each other.

"PASTAAAA~" Italy sang as he ran around in circles.

"Let's use the knife to kill everyone!" America suggested.

"OK!"

So they went around the world and slaughtered everyone.

Then they jumped back into the pit and impaled themselves on the spikes.

The end.

* * *

Author's Note: Wow this one's even shorter... :/

Happy Independence Day!

* * *

**Chapter 28: Update and Farewell**

* * *

Author's Note: Er, well.

This entire chapter is an author's note really...

Yeah...

Anyways.

* * *

**Update and Farewell**

* * *

A long time ago, I intended for this story to be a repository for any fluff and crack that I could think of for my country of residence and its northern neigbor.

Since I made those plans, borders in Eastern Europe have been redrawn, the G8 has ceased to exist, tensions have escalated in the Middle East, and random acts of violence both in my own country and across the world have become more and more prominent.

Since I made those plans, I've gone from an excited sophomore to a somewhat jaded senior, I've lost my straight-A student status, I've experienced the joy of doing research, I've stressed over college apps, and I've learned that dorm life isn't really that exciting.

LGBT+ rights have become a major topic of contention.

I've started gaming, in my free time.

The US has seen a sudden increase in minority equality movements.

I've gotten into Homestuck.

Political correctness has gotten very, very particular.

I've started hating all activists, a little.

My point is, things have changed a lot since I posted on this site often. I've changed, the world has changed, the fandom has changed. Seasons 5 and 6 of the anime have come out, and I am ashamed to say I'm not up to date on it.

I've forgotten a lot of the things that make the characters unique, things that used to be second nature that I now have to intentionally remind myself of. The little things, like Prussia's laugh, like Russia's heart falling out. Like France's relationship with Jeanne d'Arc. Like Hanatamago.

I've forgotten what it's like to have cute plot bunnies.

I guess I've finally moved on - certainly, those who come across this story after I post this chapter will be different from those who I read and wrote and laughed and cried with two years ago. The fandom has changed, and I'm really not qualified to write for it anymore.

That being said, I'm not _quite_ ready to tear myself from the fandom yet, and I do want to try my hand at an AU before I leave. After that... well, I'll probably become a lurker somewhere in the Hetalia-stained waters of the interwebs. Once a Hetalian, always a Hetalian, right? :)

* * *

Author's Note: Gonna keep the formatting for old time's sake.

Anyways, sorry that this was so long.

I hope you've liked everything up until now.

It's been a pleasure, guys.


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